WHEN LIFE SHOULD BE READ BACKWARDS

Just, life made-happily want I
piss of made life a living is who nobody am I
them trouble I, me trouble they
shit of full are lives whose people known have I
care I should Earth on why

How I Commit Suicide

Today somebody told me, "If you get committed too soon, I tell you, you're gonna commit suicide." He was referring to relationships, but I assumed somewhere in the middle of his sentence, he was referring to life as a whole.

That sentence jolted me into thinking. If I were to commit suicide, how would I do it? Take drugs or a poison? Boring. Jump off a building? It will get too messy and trouble other people, especially the cleaning part. You know, blood and a splattered brain. Point a gun in my mouth and then pull the trigger? Where the hell should I get the money to get a gun?

I have been thinking a lot, and I finally managed to come up with three possible conditions that can lead me to death. Of course I have to be in the conditions purposely, or else it wouldn't be called 'suicide'.So, I have come out with:

1. Saving another life

If I were to commit suicide, I'd definitely want to save someone at the same time. Pull a pretty girl out of a shark's mouth and then get killed, then she remembers me and makes a promise to never get married. Or run into a burning house to save a baby, can't get out in time, so have to throw the baby out of a window and get myself barbecued. Something like that. But since it's kind of difficult to get this type of situations nowadays, so I have to plan it myself. I mean, put somebody in danger and later save them and die.

2. Doing Mathematics

If I were to commit suicide easily, I'd sit and do several hundreds of Mathematics questions. Those algebraic expressions and whatever, they are dangerous enough to put an end to my life. Give me some of those Mathematics problems, I'll never solve them, but I'll die instantly.

3. Turning gay

No offense to any gay people, but gay is definitely not my life. It will never be my life. So tell me, how do you expect me to live when I don't have a life? How to live without a woman to spend my life with? That's how 'gayness' kills me.

p/s: Hope nobody will take this seriously. I don't want to commit suicide. Suicides go straight to Hell.

The All-Star Team

I'm having an attack of nostalgia. My mind suddenly starts thinking about TESL years and all the presentations and performances that me and my group had done back then. Well, due to some several class conditions and rules, we had to change groups occasionally. Even so, there is one group that I'll never ever forget. We didn't always score the highest marks, or get the most approving round of applause, but we surely gave the best in everything. It was the best time of all. We, unanimously, named the group 'The All-Star Team'.

Taufiq: The funniest man on Earth. He'll do anything just to make sure our group gets enough marks. If you really know him, you'll realize that you find it hard to understand whatever he's saying, because most of his words hardly make any sense. But, that's what makes him 'The Taufiq'.

Fact about Taufiq: When he was born, he was programmed to respond to only four things; money, food, sports and entertainment. He will self-destruct if you ever mention anything else. :P

Nazmi: We call him 'Kalut'. He's always nervous, he always panics and loses his confidence easily. But, once we have explained to him everything there is to know about our plan, his confidence will be as solid as a mutant mammoth.

Fact about Nazmi: He's a good football player, and his shooting power is awesome. He once killed a goalkeeper in a friendly match. :P

Hizzly: We call him 'Boo', 'Jogo', 'Steven Spielberg' and several other names too. The way he has so many nicknames shows the 'amount of identity' he possesses. Haha, only the group members and those close to him know what that exactly means. He is the most hardworking member in the group, and he always asks questions (other than because of his hardworking attitude, this is due to his 'blur' in thinking that makes him ask the same questions repeatedly). Give him any job, he'll finish it in no time.

Fact about Hizzly: His hands got the ability to 'tremble+shiver+shake' so fast that sometimes they cause an earthquake. :P

Syafiq: The computer man in the group. Movies, soundtracks, Power Point slides, cover pages, or whatever audio-visual aids for the presentation, he's the man to go to. He takes the responsibility as the group leader occasionally, even though it is clearly a fact that he's the one who always comes late during a discussion or whatever. He's also a photographer.

Fact about Syafiq: Like Saiga Tatsumi in 'Speed Grapher' (anime), he can only reach orgasm by taking pictures. Oh no, he's so gonna kill me. :P

Igniz: The accidental leader of the group. They choose him to be the leader out of nothing but the idea that they are too lazy to go here and there to meet the lecturer. That's all. Normally he'll be the one who comes up with the idea or script, before it gets edited by his maniacal team members.

Fact about Igniz: He can hold his breath underwater for more than 37 minutes. The time gets longer when there are girls in the water. :P

p/s: You decide whether the facts are true or false. :P

Perfectionism?

Boy: I want a girlfriend who is as hot as Megan Fox.
Girl: I want a boyfriend who is as attractive as Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).
Boy: I want a girlfriend who is gorgeous, understanding, loyal, passionate and good in manners.
Girl: I want a boyfriend who is nice, loyal, committed, caring, and good-looking.
Waiter (mamak): Anything, boss?
Me: I want a cheese 'Naan' and watermelon juice plus milk. (After a few seconds) So, you guys want this kind of partners, right? You want them, I know. But do they want you?

Oops! Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to destroy your imaginations and dreams, I'm not saying that you are wrong by thinking and hoping that way, and I'm surely not saying that I never did all those imaginations above. We're all humans. Hope and dream are what make us humans.

What I'm trying to say is, we always think of only the first part of the possibility; which is the 'I want' part. But what about the second part; the 'They want' part? If there is only one side involved, that can't be called a relationship, can it? A relationship should be mutual.

I've heard this kind of conversations a thousand of times, and I certainly have done it many times as well. But how long are we going to stay like this? We always dream and imagine to have this 'perfect' partner. Have we ever asked ourselves, "Am I good enough to be paired with that perfect person?".

The worst part is, some believe that they are so right that they actually influence other people to believe in the same way, before he or she even gets the chance to try. "No, you should not be with him. He's not good. He's this this, and not that that", or "Dude, you can get better than that". Oh yeah, there ARE people like them.

Well, they act and say like that maybe because they care, or maybe they are just a bunch of dumbshits. My point is, whether or not someone is worthy to be with someone else, only that particular 'someone' can tell. They are the ones who are going to get involved with the relationship. Let them decide. The rest don't interfere. Uh huh, "I'm just giving you an advice", they say. My friend, there's a big difference between 'giving advice' and 'influence'. Advice is neutral.

ADUMBRATE

How I live my day with one dream
and I can only evince it in vim
so I am to resonate two forms of happiness
a part with a smile, another with the sun-kissed body of a songstress
in them there live three more wishes
they make me behold the cumulonimbus
afraid not of the four-sided wind
when it blows my bones away from my skin
then comes the five-word-sentence toll
it says “the remains of my sunken soul”
does anybody realize that’s six words?
But hey, don’t want to act like grammar perverts
let’s make it last for seven unfeigned generations
with the betterment within adumbration

If You Are Rich, I'm Single

I was sitting in my bedroom watching a movie. I was wearing a pair of football shorts. Since the day was quite hot, I didn't wear a T-shirt or whatever. Just shorts.

Then suddenly, I heard my 6-year-old nephew shouting from the outside, calling me. I ignored him. Then he came to my bedroom knocking on the door. I was pissed, then I opened the door. I looked at him with a very fierce look. He told me that my friends were waiting for me outside. I asked him if he was sure that those people outside were indeed my friends. He nodded confidently.

So I wondered, if they were my friends, they would have called me before coming. But then I guessed they might be old friends who had lost my number. I also imagined that they might be girls. I forgot to ask my nephew about that. So I grabbed a red T-shirt, purposely picked, just in case the ones who were waiting for me were girls. I looked into the mirror, my hair was messy. So I combed my hair, but not too nicely.

Then I walked out of the room and headed outside. At the same time, my mind was visualizing the possible candidates who were waiting for me outside. "Girls. Girls." I hoped.

But the truth was way too far from my imagination. When I stepped outside, I saw four old men with long beard in jubah. I was shocked, dumbstruck, flabbergasted, stupefied, and whatever. They were shocked, too. They stared at me, who was in shorts, and then read the print on my T-shirt; 'If You Are Rich, I'm Single'. After a moment of silence, they greeted and started talking. They were tabligh (very religious type of people) from Pakistan, and they came to share some knowledge about Islam.

If I knew that they were tabligh, I would have come out with proper attire.

p/s: Haziq, how the heck did you get the idea that they were my friends?? T_T

My Mother (Part Two)

My friends and I; when we were just 12 years old (Standard Six).
Comparison between my mother and my best friend's mother.

1. Leisure talks.

His mother: Do you have a lot of friends at school?
My friend: Yes, mother. I have a lot of friends.

My mother: Do you have a girlfriend at school? When are you going to find one?
Me: (blushing happily)

2. Growth.

His mother: You have grown up, my son.
My friend: I eat a lot.

My mother: Why are you so short?
Me: ....???

p/s: I am way way way taller now!

3. Homework.

My friend: So many homework..and they are so difficult.
His mother: I know you can do it. Don't be lazy. Just keep doing it.
My friend: I'm doing it now.

Me:So many homework..and they are so difficult.
My mother: Can you finish it or not? If you can't, then tomorrow you don't have to go to school.
Me: I'm glad you're my mother, mom.

p/s: I'm crazy like a fool...while my mommy's cool~~~:P

My Mother

Situation One:
We were talking about giving one of my cats a shower since it got so messy. This is the translated version of the conversation.

Me: Instead of doing it in a hard way, why don't we just hand-wash it, 'soak' it into a bucket full of water and bubbles, instead? Just do it exactly like how we wash our clothes. (Joking)

Aunt: Are you crazy? Do you want to kill the cat?

Mom: Can we use the washing machine instead? (Not joking)

Me: ?????

Aunt: Do you want your cat to drown??

Mom: I don't think it will ever drown. Just put it in the machine for a minute or so, with less water. (Still not joking)

Aunt: It WILL drown!

Mom: You sure? Even just for a minute? (Obviously, not joking)

Situation Two:
I was having a hot fever, with flu and a hacking cough, and couldn't get up from my bed. A week before I went to visit a friend of mine who was infected by an unknown virus and admitted into the Intensive Care Unit (I.C.U). A day after I got the flu, my uncle was holding a function at his house. The relatives were there and asking for me. My mom explained to them why, and then told me the next morning. This is the translated version of the conversation.

Mom: They asked you to go to the hospital.

Me: Why so?

Mom: They were afraid that you got that swine flu, because you went to visit your friend who got infected by the same virus last week.

Me: Who told you that my friend got sick because of the swine flu?

Mom: You did.

Me: No, I told you he was infected by an unknown virus, admitted to the I.C.U. But it wasn't the swine flu.

Mom: Oh. (Thinking)

Me: "Oh"? (Wondering)

Mom: I told them that your friend was sick because of the swine flu, and dying.

Me: He's not dying. I never told you that. (When mom? When? When?)

p/s: My mother is the most innocent person in the family. (-_-")

Shit Happens

Friend S: I've watched the movie you told me. Damn cool, man.

Friend D: Cool, ain't it? Told you.

Me: What movie?

Friend S: The part where he sniffed the scent of the girl from far away was damn cool. It was like, damn far!

Friend D: Yeah, like from here to where, KL?

Friend S: Maybe Bangi.

Me: Dude, what movie?

Friend S: If I got the perfume that powerful, I'd make all the rich people give me money. Heh.

Friend D: Then you'd better make the bank managers give you all the money in the vaults.

Friend S: Can't be that way. Then the police will know. But from the rich people, take just a little by each of them, I survive.

Me: Guys, what movie are you talking about?

Friend D: That's a good plan.

Friend S: You know me.

Me: Great, I'm talking to the wall. Love it. Exactly what I want.

Friend D: Are you okay, dude?

p/s: The conversation was 'recorded' around three years ago. They were talking about the movie 'Perfume: The Story of a Murderer'. Cool movie.

Confusing And Unpredictable

Two years ago. The first event happened when I had a conversation with a friend of mine, a girl, at the cafeteria. The second event happened when I was about to enter the lecture hall.

One day:

Girl: Women nowadays are strong. They can live without men. They can and they will survive without men. So, men should never underestimate us. Because what a man can do, a woman will definitely can, too. Don't expect women to be needing help from men all the time. In fact, we are now so independent, that we are doing better without the help from your species.

Me: That sounds a bit extreme, but I feel you. I understand.

The next day:

Girl: Why didn't you hold the door for me? Oh my God, I can't believe you just opened it and let yourself through and didn't wait for me!

Me: Huh?

One good reason why I love girls; they are so confusing and unpredictable! And that's a compliment. Life is so boring when everything is predictable.

p/s: I admit that I have problems holding the door for anybody, because I walk and move fast. Sorry.

Loyalty And Betrayal; I Call Them 'Mistakes'

Tell me guys, isn't it true that every single one of us wants loyalty. We crave for it. We want our family, friends, and partners to be and stay loyal to us, yes? But what is loyalty? How do we define loyalty; the word that we always say, discuss, argue, and think most of the time?

The quality of being faithful, supportive, and the feeling of allegiance. It's funny actually that we can define this word in a lot of ways, but can't realize that the more we do according to the definitions, the more we betray the trust built.

You stick with one person, you are loyal. You do whatever it takes to stay loyal, even though sometimes it hurts your pride, you are loyal, but betraying yourself. You stick to your own belief and way of life, you are loyal. You keep on assuring that you're not dumping your own self, you are loyal, but somewhere in the middle, you betray the people around you. So which part of that can we call 'loyalty'? To be faithful to yourself, or to be trustworthy to those who believe in you?

Don't say both, because trust me, there will be one day when you realize that keeping both is simply not possible, and you've got to choose one out of two. And you realize that by choosing, one side will get hurt. It's either you or them.

To me, loyalty and betrayal are just mistakes that we make every minute of our lives. The definition keeps changing. Today loyalty means to you, tomorrow it can be to others. You can't always be the right person, and so can't they. And we've got to learn. We must learn.

"Somewhere along your way to live, you'll make thousands of mistakes, and you'll know that everything changes. Whatever definitions you have at that moment of mistakes, they'll change, and one day they'll come back. All you got to do is learn."

The World Is Never Fair

Before you read this, please smile. It will help you relax and read this entry with joy. I don't want any of you to take this seriously. Only think. Smile.:)

1. Superheroes never get paid.

I don't understand. Superheroes are professional. They are like doctors, lawyers, engineers and soldiers who have an area of expertise and know what they are doing. In superheroes' case, they save lives. That's their area of expertise. So why can't they get paid? Why do people simply call their names for help, but they never give anything in return? What do they expect? For the superheroes to say, "Owh, just call me whenever you need. I'm happy to save your ass anytime and get nothing"? Superheroes need a life too. They need partners, friends, family, and money! See how Spiderman suffered in 'Spiderman 2'? He almost gave up.

2. A customer is always right.

I don't get this. The ones who give services (waiters/waitresses, salespersons, marketing managers) are trained to give services and make sure everything goes well. They are trained to make things right, in terms of fulfilling others' needs. But what is the point of getting all those training if they are meant to be wrong every time they deal with a customer? What now, customers are trained to be right too? Then maybe they should get paid as well. Anybody looking for a job? Be a customer!

3. Politicians and the traffic privileges.

Have you ever been stuck in heavy traffic for hours, and then suddenly you saw a big car with cops escorting them passing through you and the other cars happily? If you haven't, I say you will someday. If you have, then don't you think it is not fair for them to have that privilege? I mean, what is the point of having cut through all of us if in the end, they are late, as usual? Yeah, those big shots are always late for an event, yes? The event says 9 o' clock, they'll come 9.30, the soonest. Oh, I see why. Their 'time zone' is perhaps different from ours.

4. Men and rape.

If a woman gets raped, makes a report and then files a charge or whatever, we all will feel sorry for her. We'll blame and curse the guy who did her. But if a man gets raped and takes the same procedures, we all will laugh at him, and then congratulate the woman who did him. Now, that is not fair. There are loads of ways for a woman nowadays to rape a man. So why can't people feel sorry for that man? I would feel sorry, even though deep in my heart I say, "How was it?". Damn, I won't say a word if Kate Beckinsale rapes me.:P

5. Adults who read comics.

I am 22 this year, and people say that I'm still a child because I read comics. People say that comics are meant for children, therefore when an adult reads a comic, that means he or she is behaving like a child. Oh really? Then tell me people, who draws all those damned comics anyway? Adults! Who publishes all of them? Companies that are being controlled by experienced and educated people; adults! Duh.

How To Get Anyone To Like You In 30 Seconds Or Less

I read this book by Rebecca Marina a few months ago. I think the book is quite simple yet interesting. It talks about things that are so trivial, that we always fail to realize, but they actually hold the keys to a successful communication. Credit goes to her. I'm just reviewing and sharing it with any of you out there.

1. Smile

Yes, the most popular verb and noun you'll probably hear whenever you ask for communication tips. But how many of you realize that by just smiling, your whole mood and body language can improve so much? The author suggests that you should always smile with your whole being, and you'll see what she means by that.

2. Exude Confidence

Don't go around people and show that you are in need and depending on others. Nobody wants to be with someone who appears needy and 'clingy'. Show your confidence. Maybe now you're feeling less about it, but try practicing it in front of the mirror, and you'll see such a huge difference it makes.

3. Breathe

Some people tend to hold their breath when they meet someone new, or the person that they admire. Well the problem is, when you hold your breath, your body becomes tense. Becomes static. Therefore, the author claims that you should take a few deep breaths before talking to someone. Plus, statistically speaking, it is impossible to panic and breathe slowly at the same time.

4. Look People In The Eye

Eyes are the windows to your soul. So why don't you use them? You look away from the person you're talking to, then it means you're sending a red flag signal to him or her. But if you look into their eyes, not staring, just simply gaze into them, they will definitely understand how you feel. Research shows that eye gazing always relates to falling in love. Eyes produce trust.

5. Open Your Arms

By opening your arms, you expose your heart. It shows that there is nothing in you that can make people feel fear of your presence. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Just keep it simple. It makes both you and him or her feel "everything is alright".

6. Point Your Heart At The Person Or Group You're With

You've already opened your arms to expose your heart. Now it's time to point your heart to where it belongs. Show them the message, "I open my heart to you". If you're talking to a large group, turn your body from side to side so that everybody can 'feel' your heart. Everybody loves a person with an open heart!

7. Move Like A Young Person

It doesn't matter if you're young or not, just allow yourself to move like a young person. You'll understand how the way you move makes you feel alive, or the other way round. If you don't like yourself, how can you expect other people to like you?

8. Appreciate Them

Find something about them to appreciate. It can be their voice, attire, or movement. Anything you can find and truthfully appreciate. Then bring that 'thing' into you heart, and allow your energy and body language to reflect it. People will see that you appreciate them, and start to like you instantly!

9. "So, Tell Me About Yourself!"

The irresistible words. Everybody loves talking about themselves, but not all get the chance to do so. Give them the chance, and you'll see how they'll feel about you. Plus, by allowing them to talk about themselves, you're actually helping yourself to determine how close you want the relationship to become.

10. Validate! Validate! Validate!

Nobody in this world wants to lose the feeling of being validated. Everybody craves for validation. Give them. Whatever you want for yourself, be that to others. It will come right back to you.

p/s: I used my 'do Chapter Two of the term paper' time typing this. So you'd better use the tips and make my sacrifice worth every single one of it! Haha.

Practice Makes Perfect

I'm not sure how, but just now these memories came across my mind all of a sudden. Now I remember what I have been doing since I was a very young kid. Please be reminded that, of course, I translated the conversations. Except for the university level, they were all done in Malay language.

1. Kindergarten, 6 years old:

Girl A: I don't want to be your friend. I don't like boys.
Me: I don't like boys either. I like girls.
Girl A: Copycat!

Skill acquired: I learned how to wink an eye.

2. Primary school, 7 years old:

Girl V: You're so naughty, and you're always whistling!
Me: That's how I made you see me.
Girl V: You're too short.

Skill acquired: I learned how to whistle.

3. Secondary school, 14 years old:

Girl Q: Don't come near me. I'm having period pains.
Me: Boys are supposed to comfort girls who are in pain.
Girl Q: I'm a lesbian.

Skill acquired: I learned about the 28-day menstrual cycle.

4. University, 18 years old:

Lady Z: I hope that all of you can stay focused. Especially the boys. Please bear with this old lady.
Me: Don't worry. I think you're cute.
Lady Z: I'll deduct your marks.

Skill acquired: B+ for Language Learning Strategies & Study Skills.

5. University, 18 years old:

Girl F: I don't want to be your girlfriend. Who wants to be with a penguin anyway?
Me: If I'm really a penguin, then you've got a lot more reasons to be my girlfriend. Have you ever seen a penguin with a brain, that can speak and understand human language, that has black hair, two hands with fingers on each, two decent eyes and ears, and a normal mouth with lips? Compared to other penguins, I can say that I'm quite a good looking penguin.
Girl F: Hehe.

Skill acquired: I joined a debate competition.

p/s: The girls didn't mean whatever they were saying. They were just joking. And I wasn't really flirting. Was trying to have some fun with my classmates. Made me grow up anyhow. Hee.