It Is In The Morning Your Memories Play Their Best Trick

Librarian:
That is him. Is he the one?

Woman:
Yes, he's my brother.

Librarian:
He spends most of his time in this section, reading all the poems he can find.

Woman:
He loves poetry.

***************************************************************************

"Stop it, I'm driving."

"So what? It's not that I'm interrupting you or your vision."

"Yes, but I need to concentrate. We're already late. And I don't even know the way. I need to focus on the signboards."

"But I'm bored. I need to read something, so I read your poems. I love reading your poems."

"Thank you, I appreciate that. But can you read it silently?"

"Don't want! Now listen to this..."

And this is a story about a boy with a vision
With a dream and another dream

As he stares blankly at the walls

His heart beats endlessly

He thinks of everyone

Who has succeeded and who has not

He looks at the images portrayed from the back of his mind

And they speak a language he doesn't understand

He tries and tries to say it
"Why can't everything be so easy?"

"Why can't everything be so easy? For instance, driving at the moment. Please, I can't focus when I have to look at the signboards and listen to your reading at the same time."

"What does this part mean, darling?"

"Not now... not now. Oh... God, great. Now it's raining cats and dogs."

"Wow... how romantic! Reading poems to you with the rain as soundtrack!"

"You got one twisted sense of romance, sweetheart."

"Come on, come on! Let's continue!"

The lost memories barge in every day
When the sun goes up, when his eyes open
The ongoing mission doesn't seem to want to end

The dark days don't seem to want to go
When he sees her he sees everything

When she goes away the dimmest light seems blinding


"Are you talking about his dream or his love for the girl? Is the girl me? Wait, the boy is you!"

"What makes you think so? I created him as anybody."

"No, no, this boy has to be you. So that I can be the girl! Listen to this!"

She loves to smile a thousand times
She dreams of him the boy with a vision

With a dream and another dream

He loves to stay late and listen

To the pursuit of happiness she loves to imagine

Then the green hearts sing together

The song of rhythmic poetries

Dum da ba da, dum da ba da


"Aww... so sweet! Let's read the last stanza together!"

"Shush! I need to take this U-turn!"

*****************************************************************

Dum da ba da, he will be the academia
Dum da ba da, or maybe the best person in Asia
Dum da ba da, or he could be the president of Russia

Dum da ba da
, dum da ba da
Soulless iron skin meets warm rosy heart
So he sings a song like his love is an art

Dum da ba da, dum da ba da

Poet:
I still can't find a suitable title for this poem.

Woman:
You will get it sooner or later. Let's go home.

Poet:
Should I name it "Dum Da Ba Da"?

Woman:
That's a beautiful name. She would have loved it.

Poet:
No! She would have not! She had always loved direct words. God, I should've listened to her. I shouldn't have rushed, shouldn't have taken that damned U-turn.

Woman:
How often do you miss her?

Poet:
Every second.

Woman:
When do you miss her most?

Poet:
In the morning, every day.

Woman:
There you have it, your title.

We Are Who We Are

It's never easy to really live as a person we truly want to be, nevertheless we'll end up trying our best in order to become one. Some of us struggle just to make sure the path that they take is leading them towards the right destination, while some take easier ways, inherited from their families; money, status and power. The wealth of one's family can be the determining factor to charge forward faster than anyone else. But life is not always that fair, for sometimes, based on mere patience and never-ending efforts, the tortoises emerge as winners instead of the rabbits.

I wasn't born in a rich family. I didn't have all those things that rich kids were playing with. When I entered school, I carried hope from my parents and brothers who never got the chance to finish what they had started. In fact, my late dad's dying wish to my brothers was to make sure this little guy finish his studies. They did. I did.

I used to envy the rich kids. They could have everything they ever wanted. I didn't always wish to get all the toys, the branded shirts and pants or even the cool mobile phones that they had. The only thing that made me envious all the time was the fact that they could afford to go and study wherever they wanted. I remember early in the morning on the registration day, me and my aunt were hopping from one bank to another just to withdraw RM40 from her account. The ATMs had only RM50 notes in them, and my aunt's account had RM43.20. My mother had given me all her money and my aunt did as well. The ones in her account were the last - our last resort. But thank God, we managed to find one ATM with RM10 notes and have myself registered. I said to myself, "If only we were rich."

But I saw something else later on. The rich kids, not all but most of them, were wasting their time and family's money. They lingered and skipped classes, and they proudly announced, "Every semester is my new semester". Not because they enjoyed it like the married couples' famous words, "Every night is our first night", but because they got barred or failed in the exams in every semester. I told myself, "If that's the attitude I would have for being rich, then I thank God for making me this broke." Yes, maybe I said that because I was indeed broke. Maybe if I was rich, I would be proud of being like them. Maybe.

I had my ups and downs, but I think I turned out to be a pretty decent guy. Not the best, but quite okay. I have fulfilled my dad's last wish and despite having done all that, I still want more. I still want to move forward. I don't want to stop. Because I realize now that money won't make you human. It's the upbringing; the family and friends you have around you... and knowledge. That's why I thank God for making me like this, for giving me the family and friends that I have now, and for providing me with mountains of knowledge to climb and explore.

We can complain about the things around us, but that does not tell us anything. Because when we look at them again one more time, we'll know that they are the reasons why we are who we are. I can never be who I am today without my family, friends, knowledge and those ATMs. Can you?

Money Honey

Badol:
Hey you...

Tijah:
Yes?

Badol:
I'm not rich. I don't have money. I cannot buy you stuff. I cannot always treat you to lunch and dinner. Is that okay?

Tijah:
Not a problem.

Badol:
And I cannot buy you a cool birthday present or throw you a surprise birthday party.

Tijah:
Don't worry about that.

Badol:
And even if I had money, I wouldn't buy you anything more expensive than the ones I bought for my mom. For my mom's birthday last month, I only managed to buy her a cake which cost me about RM29.90. And a pack of strawberry tissues worth RM4.90.

Tijah:
You should be proud of yourself.

Badol:
I'm so broke right now. I can't even have my glasses fixed. See? I'm not wearing them because they are sort of... damaged. I kind of accidentally sat on them yesterday.

Tijah:
Don't worry. When you have the money, go have them fixed first, okay? Your glasses are more important. You're driving, right? It's very dangerous.

Badol:
But I wanna be a cool boyfriend who gives his girlfriend everything she wants. I wanna be the one who wipes your tears using RM100 notes. I wanna do my best.

Tijah:
That's so sweet... but don't force yourself, okay? You don't have to do that.

Badol:
Why... are you so understanding? God! I'm so lucky to have you! (holding her hands excitedly)

Tijah:
Eh... wait! Wait! What are you doing?! (pulling away)

Jijah:
Hey, Badol! What are you doing?!

Badol:
Eh...?! (confused)

Jijah:
I can't believe this! You are cheating on me! How dare you!

Badol:
Jijah...?! You're Jijah?! Then who is this girl?!

Tijah:
Hello, I'm Tijah.

Badol:
Ti... Tijah?

Jijah:
What now?! Pretending not to know her?! Damn it, Badol! Dah la miskin, main kayu tiga pulak tu! Jantan tak sedar diri! Ptuihhhh! (leaving the scene angrily)

Badol:
Oh my God! Wait, Jijah, wait! I'm not wearing my glasses! That's why I didn't see that she's not you! Wait! (trying to stop her)

Jijah:
Get lost! I should've known it! You are a worthless piece of crap! And you're so poor! Just leave me alone! I don't need a guy like you! I deserve better!

Badol:
No... please. Jijah, please! Please! Please! Please understand! Please! I love you! (holding her hands tightly and begging on his knees)

Janitor:
Akak dah kawin, dik.

Badol:
Huh?

Tijah:
Dude... that's... the janitor. Your girlfriend has left already. That way. (pointing at the girl who is about... 100 metres away)

Badol:
Owh. So... sorry. Salah orang.

Tijah:
Dude, I gotta go. Nice meeting you.

Badol:
Wait! Wait! Can I meet you again, later? Someday?

Tijah:
Why? What for?

Badol:
I wanna know you. Because you're... cool. You don't care about money and stuff.

Tijah:
Says who?

Badol:
You said it yourself just now... that it's not a problem that I don't have money and cannot buy you stuff. That I shouldn't worry about it.

Tijah:
Oh, you got me wrong. I said "It's not a problem" because you're not my boyfriend. If you were my boyfriend, that would be a BIG problem. Plus, I already have a boyfriend and he's insanely rich. He's so rich that when he farts, it smells money... and a bit of curry. Anyway, goodbye and good luck!

Badol:
Ceh.


How To Destroy A Laptop By Just Staring At It

Step One
Get a laptop.

Step Two
Put the laptop in front of you.

Step Three
Stare at it.

Step Four
While staring at it, call someone you really trust to come over.

Step Five
While still staring at, tell that someone to take the laptop and throw it against the wall.

Step Six
Still keeping your eyes on it, tell that someone to make sure the laptop is in pieces. Step on it, bang it on the floor or burn it, even.

Step Seven
Keep staring at the laptop.

Congratulations! You have successfully destroyed a laptop by just staring at it.
Just because it SOUNDS impossible, does not mean it IS impossible.

Edisi Khas Bahasa Melayu 6: Hikayat Seram Garpu Mahaswansea

Garpu Mahaswansea sedang lena diulit mimpi. Tilam katilnya yang empuk sentiasa membuatkannya berdengkur beriramakan muzik Rock Jiwang kontemporari dari negara seberang yang suatu masa dahulu sangat dipopularkan oleh sebuah band yang penyanyi utamanya ditangkap kerana bergomol-gomol di dalam sebuah video yang tersebar luas.

Jam menunjukkan 12.36 tengah malam. Telefon bimbit didatangi dengan skrin boleh cucuk-cucuk jari miliknya berbunyi. Gadis bernama Pishau menelefon. Sambil berguling-guling, Garpu Mahaswansea menjawab dengan manja. "Ye Pishauuuu...nape call malam-malam camni? Pupu dah tido tau...". Gadisnya menjawab, "Saja je. Boleh ke tak? Kalau boleh cakap "Oh yeah!", kalau tak boleh cakap...", sebelum sempat si gadis itu menghabiskan ayatnya, Garpu Mahaswansea yang masih berguling-guling itu terguling di atas seorang... seekor... sebungkus pocong.

"Oh najis! Oh najis! Ohhhhh najissssss!", Garpu Mahaswansea terjatuh dari katilnya sambil menjerit ketakutan.

Pocong itu bangun dan senyum. Tanpa membuang masa, Garpu Mahaswansea bergegas lari ke arah pintu dengan niat berlari lintang-pukang gaya backstroke, andai kata si pocong itu mengejarnya. Namun tombol pintu bilik yang digenggamnya keras membatu tidak boleh dipusing.

"Bukak la wei!! Bukak!!!", teriak Garpu Mahaswansea dalam ketakutan. Baru disedarinya bahawa tombol yang cuba dipusingnya itu kelihatan seperti kepala botak bersaiz kecil berwarna kuning seakan-akan kepala toyol. Rupa-rupanya memang toyol! Lantas Garpu Mahaswansea menerajang semua benda, binatang mahupun makhluk yang berada di depannya dan berlari keluar. Ketika itu baru dia sedar bahawa tangannya masih memegang telefon bimbit skrin cucuk-cucuk jari dengan nama 'Pishau Nom Nom' di talian.

"Hello! Pishau! Pishau! Tolong Pupu! Tolong Pupu! Tolooo...", ditolehnya betul-betul, telefon bimbit yang disangka dipegangnya itu sudah tiada, tapi kepala penanggal tersenyum sinis ada! Dilemparnya ke dinding sekuat hati sebaik sahaja penanggal itu mencium pipinya.

"Kejap! Kejap! Kejappppp!", Sidop mencelah.

"Apa?", Kudes terpinga-pinga.

"Part guling atas pocong tu aku boleh terima lagi, part tombol pintu jadi kepala toyol pun okey la, aku layankan je. Part henpon jadi kepala penanggal tu aku tak boleh blah. Saiz tak sama kot! Siap cium pulak."

"Ala, lantaklah. Ni cerita aku."

"Kot ye pun, agak-agak ar. Hukum fiziknya bertabur benor. Dah la tu, berapa banyak hantu ko nak masukkan hah? Baru keluar bilik dah ada tiga. Kalau sampai pintu luar, tangga bilik, mangkuk jamban, pagar luar, berapa kau nak bagi? 30?"

"Potong stim betul la kau ni. Ah, aku tanak tukar. Lantak la apa ko dengan editor aku nak cakap, aku tidak akan memberi seketul najis pun. Ni cerita aku."

"Ptuiiiii!"

...... Maka ditakdirkan tuhan ceritera 'Hikayat Seram Garpu Mahaswansea' mendapat sambutan hangat dari pembaca lalu dipilih oleh tiga orang direktur adik-beradik negara untuk diadaptasikan menjadi filem komedi seram yang bakal ditayangkan pada Syawal 2012......

The Art Of Laughing So People Can Understand

Ey:
Hahahahahahahaha!

Bi:
Heheheheheheheh!

Si:
Nyeeeeeehehehehehehehe!

Di:
Huahuahuahuah!

Iy:
Bahahahahahahaha!

Ef:
Muahahahahahaha!

Ji:
Hohohohoho!

Hesh:
Nohohohoho!

Ai:
Kihkihkihkihkih!

Jey:
Kahkahkahkahkah!

Kay:
Waaaaaarghahahahahahaha!

El:
Ngehngohngehngohngeh!

Em:
Hikhikhikhik!

En:
Hihihihihi!

Oo:
Hnnss..hnnsss..heh..hehheh..hehennn...nggg...nnngg...nnnnnahahahahahahaha! (evil laugh)

Pi:
Hakhakhakhak!

Kiu:
Hauhauhauhauhauhau!

Ar:
Hehohehohehohei!

Es:
Behbehbehbehbeh!

Ti:
Agagagagaga!

Yu:
Ajajajajajaja!

Vi:
Vavavavavavava!

Dabelyu:
Nyehnyehnyeh!

Eks:
Ngengehngeh!

Wai:
Ahaks!

Zek:
LOL!

Everybody:
???

Zek:
LOL!

Everybody:
LOL?

Zek:
Yeah, LOL. Laughing Out Loud.

Ey:
That's not laughing. That's a description of a 'laughing' action. When you're drowning in the sea, instead of screaming, "Help! Help! Help!", do you say, "IAAFH."?

Zek:
Umm...I don't know.. what's IAAFH?

Ey:
I Am Asking For Help. Hahahahahahahahaha!

My First Encounter With An Alien

Valaha was sketching in his room. He had to submit the final draft of his latest cafe design by the next day. It was so stupid. As an architect, he should have never messed with the cafe owner... wait, scratch that. Being an architect has got nothing to do with never messing with a cafe owner. Well, long story short, he told the cafe owner that the layout of his food shop was messed up. And the owner was pissed, he dared him to come up with a new layout in two days, or he had to pay for everyone's meal for a whole week, If he succeeded, then he got to eat there for free... for a year.

Back to his current situation, he was giving the final touch to his new layout. When he was just about to finish everything, he heard a bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

It sounded like a series of explosions! Or perhaps firecrackers. He looked outside.

"What the hell???"

There was a greyish little man, or boy, standing outside of his house. He stared at Valaha... and smiled.

"Hi there! Wanna join? I have loads of these things, let's play together!", the grey man, or boy, offered some of his firecrackers.

"Oh shit! Oh shit! No way! No way! No! No! No! There's an alien outside of my house! They have invaded Earth!"

Valaha ran outside, but not without a weapon. While running, he could not help but realize that he was like in a movie where there was always something to grab from the house when something eerie or bad occurred. In his case, the most typical of all, a baseball bat.

"Now you, alien guy! You may have invaded this planet, but don't you dare to think for one second that we'll surrender without a fight! You may take our lives, but you will never take... OUR FREEDOMMMMMMM!!!"

"Oh dear, he has started quoting dialogues from 'Braveheart' again. Guys! Help!", the alien called for reinforcements.

Valaha was clearly outnumbered and in just seconds, he was apprehended. While holding him, one of the aliens explained the situation.

"What situation?!!", Valaha refused to listen.

"Your situation! Look around you! Look!"

Valaha reluctantly did what was told and... everything slowly came back to him.

"You see? You get it now? You're not on planet Earth anymore. You're on planet Tripaltakupisumaitadish. Your Earth was destroyed by a mega earthquake eight years ago. Only six people survived. We saved them. We saved you! But the other five have died. Three of natural causes, two...committed suicide. You are the last of your kind! And here, you are the alien!"

"Then... what happened to me? Why didn't I remember this before?"

"Well, when you first arrived on planet Tripala.. Tripaltalak... Tripapa... here, you were in denial. You didn't want to believe it, didn't want to accept the truth, so you kind of... developed your own 'kingdom' in your imagination. Occasionally, you'll come to realize the truth, like now, but then you'll get back on your imagination plane. But we'll know right away."

"How...?"

"You always quote dialogues from 'Braveheart' movie when you're...crazy."

"I see...then what's with those firecrackers?"

"Well, we noticed that humans loved firecrackers, so we developed ones of our own in order to make the survivors feel like home. But turns out, we love firecrackers more than you guys ever did."

"What?"

"They are so fun and addictive! We play with them every day and every year there will be about 630,000 aliens got hurt by firecracker explosions! We even tried to eat them... and we exploded. But since we possess high speed regeneration, it's okay. But we don't encourage humans to play with them! Leave the danger to us!"

Jumper

Mr. Krish
Okay Yusop, impress me. Tell me something about you that is different or unique from anyone else. Make me want to know more about you.

Yusop
Okay.

Mr. Krish
Go.

Yusop
One day, when I was walking home from a very tiring and boring meeting at my least favourite building, the Kuala Lumpur City Centre (KLCC), I saw... no, I met a... I mean I happened to encounter a... hm, I witnessed a tragedy. Well, it involved a man with the idea of committing suicide as a way to make the world a better place. He was standing right on top of the Monorail station, threatening people that he would jump.

He cried, "The world now is a damned place! The world now is a damned place!". Then a man shouted from below, "What do you mean by that?". The guy replied, "The world used to be so peaceful and free of materialistic ideas! We used to have lives without any sort of unhappiness caused by money and stuff! But now everything is about money! Everything is about power!"

"Then... um, what do you suggest in order to change this world?", he asked.

"My death will remind every single one of you! That money can't buy happiness, and your power will never save a life! Prove me wrong, and I'll live! But if you can't, then I'll die on you people! All of you! My blood will spill on your hands and face!"

"You want me to prove you wrong? Well, first of all, how do you think people will react and change by your death? I mean, who are you? Are you someone important? Are you a public figure or something?"

"I am a nobody! I am a nobody! And that's why you people will regret this! Because a nobody like me is willing to sacrifice his life in order to put some sense into your polluted brain! I don't need to be a somebody in order to influence people! I myself am capable to change the world! With my death!"

"That's true! But the problem is, if you're a nobody, then people will forget you! They will never want to remember you! It's true, Mr... what's your name, eh?"

"My name is... Jumper! Just remember me by that name!"

"Now that's a bit of a problem. First you're a nobody, now you're saying your name is just... Jumper? It's not that...catchy."

"Shut the hell up! I don't need you to tell me what I should do or what kind of names I should have! I'm going to jump!"

"Wait! Wait! Please wait!"

"What?"

"What if. What if you hang on to your life a little bit longer, try and be a more significant person, then you kill yourself."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Trust me. The effect will be better!"

"I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to persuade me not to jump, aren't you? Like that's gonna happen!"

"Seriously! Ask yourself, what if Mahatma Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln killed himself in front of the civilians? Don't you think they were going to remember that? Yes?"

"Who the hell are they?"

"Owh, okay. Okay. You don't know them. What if... any important figure in our country kills him or herself in front you...don't you think you're going to remember that for the rest of your life? Look, my point is, people need to know you before they can listen to you."

"I don't know you but I'm listening to every word you say. So your point is ridiculous."

"Are you sure you're listening to me? Because if you are, then by now you should've walked down here and stopped thinking about committing suicide."

"You're... you're confusing me! To hell with you!"

And he jumped and died right away. End of story.

Mr. Krish
I... I don't get it. And I don't think I'm impressed... at all. What, are you saying that you are ACTUALLY the guy who tried to persuade the jumper?

Yusop
Nope. I'm the guy who witnessed the tragedy. Like I said.

Mr. Krish
Then... how should I be impressed by this...?

Yusop
Well, there were hundreds of people at the scene on that day. Most of them were taking pictures of... or recording the incident. Probably half of them were just standing. And half of that half were hoping that he would jump, while the other half wanted him to survive. A few of them called the police or the ambulance. Maybe three or four of them felt they shouldn't be there and left. And only two of them were making an effort to save the guy.

Mr. Krish
Two...? Did you include yourself in that number?

Yusop
Yes.

Mr. Krish
How? What did you do that made you think you were trying to save him?

Yusop
I provided the other guy with the dialogues.

Mr. Krish
What?

Yusop
The other guy was talking to his girlfriend, on the phone, during the time of the incident. They were having a fight. He didn't realize about the Jumper. When he shouted "What do you mean by that?", he was actually shouting at his girl, on the other side of the phone. But the Jumper heard it and thought the guy was talking to him. Hence, the conversation.

Mr. Krish
So... you happened to be next to the guy and provided him with... what to say?

Yusop
Yup. He wasn't really in the mood, you know. But since everyone started looking at him, he had to play along. So I helped. And that's the part where you should be impressed. Because I came up with those words spontaneously. They came out naturally. Even though they failed to save the guy, but that's not the point. My brain is full of words, that's why I am perfect for your magazine.

Mr. Krish
Wait... wait. Why didn't you say those words yourself?

Yusop
I was having a sore throat.

Edisi Khas Bahasa Melayu 5: Hikayat Esemes

Sepasang couple sedang ber-SMS pada waktu malam sebelum tidur. Jam menunjukkan 11.47.34, 11.47.35, 11.47.36......

Juli
Nantuk... :(

Rapit
Pi tido pi. :)

Juli
Epok?

Rapit
Tammau. :P

Juli
Nyanyi n dodoikan?

Rapit
Tanak. :D

Juli
:'(

Rapit
Olololoh... :D

Juli
Nanite... *blowing kiss*

Rapit
Alamak! Dah terbang pergi! :(

Juli
Camne boleh terbang pergi? :(

Rapit
Angin kuat sangat. Tak sempat tangkap. :(

Juli
Pi carik balik! Kalau tak tammau kawan dah. :(

Rapit
Okey! Jap! Jap! Jappppp!

Selepas 3 minit...

Rapit
Dah dapat! Tersangkut kat satelit Astro atas bumbung rumah tadi. Heheh. :D

Juli
:)

Rapit
Betul dah nak tido?

Juli
Betul laa... dah nantuk giler. Medula oblongata I dah shut down dah ni. :(

Rapit
Ooo... okey2. Hati2! ;P

Juli
Nape?

Rapit
Ada hantuuuu...eeeeee.... :D

Juli
Tak takut pun~

Rapit
Nanti jangan peluk bantal tau. Takut terpeluk benda lain pulak..... heheheheh~ :D

Juli
Bwek! Tak takut!

Rapit
Nanti jangan pandang bawah katil tau....

Juli
Ish!

Rapit
Huhu. T_T

Juli
Nape?

Rapit
I tertakutkan diri sendiri. T_T

Juli
Hehehe. Padan muka! ;P

Rapit
Wuwuwu. T_T

Juli
Klakar la U ni... hee. :D

Rapit
Heheh. U hepi tak skrg?

Juli
Hepi! Nape tanya?

Rapit
Hm.... :)

Juli
Nape 'hm....'?

Rapit
Jom kita break up jom. :D

Juli
Huh? What?

Rapit
I said, jom kita break up jom. :D

Juli
Why??? :(

Rapit
Ntah. Dah lama sangat kita kapel. Bosanlah pulak. Heheh.

Juli
U jangan main2!

Rapit
Mana ada I main2. I serius ni. Tengok I buat muka serius. Hm. >=[

Juli
U serius ke ni? Sumpah? :(

Rapit
Sumpah. Jom la break up. :)

Juli
Habis tadi nape U mesra2? Nape buat I senyum? Nape buat I hepi??? :'(

Rapit
Sebab I nak bagi mood U baik. Supaya U boleh terima keputusan ni dengan baik. I ada baca kat Internet. Kalau nak break up, make sure si dia tu dalam mood yang baik & waras. Hee. :D

Juli
Palotak U!

Why He Hates His Parents

Deejay
Hello, hello, hello! 'Saywell.fm', who's there?

John Smith
Hello, hi, I'm John Smith.

Deejay
Yes, John! How can I help you? Is there anything you wanna share with me and our dearest listeners tonight? Please do so.

John Smith
Yes. I wanna tell you a story about my parents. And the reason why I hate them.

Deejay
Owh...you, you sure you wanna talk about it... on air?

John Smith
Yes. And please just listen. Don't hang up. Please.

Deejay
Okay, as you wish.

John Smith
Thank you. So here it goes...

247 years ago, Ronald Smith and Elizabeth Smith got married. They lived in a farm. A year later they gave birth to a beautiful son. They named him John Smith. They were so happy together, and that boy was even happier. Perhaps not to some people, but living in a farm with a loving family was always his dream.

Unfortunately, when the boy reached 15, he fell sick. He was dying. The father tried everything to cure him, but none worked. The mother prayed to God every night, hoping to find a cure, but her son would just get worse. They spent every penny and took him to all kinds of doctor, but all ended up in vain. After months of trying, they finally gave up.

Then one day, a stranger visited their home. He came up with a proposal. Knowing that it would cure their son, both of them agreed with one condition - "Do not ever tell our son about what happened". He agreed.

The next day, John Smith was healthier than ever. Not only did he survive the illness, he ran faster and jumped higher than anyone else. He was stronger. The family got on the horse again. They started over. This time aorund, they promised that nothing would take them apart, ever again.

But eight years later, Ronald Smith died. Elizabeth followed him the next year. Those back-to-back tragedies broke John Smith's heart. He never had a family of his own because he loved his parents so much. But he could not fight fate. "Everyone dies," he said, "but now?? And why can't I die too???" It was then, he met the stranger who saved his life.

"I did not save you back then. I only prolonged your stay here in this world. But the truth is, you died the day I came to you", the stranger said. "I bit you, remember? You're a vampire. You were no longer a human the day your parents and I made the agreement! Every day, in every single drink you had, your parents put in their own blood so you wouldn't starve. Every day they told you to work downstairs so you wouldn't burn under the sunlight. They didn't want you to have any friends so you wouldn't feel different. That's the truth! They made you a vampire!"

...... ...... ......

Deejay
So... uhmm... is that the reason why you hate your parents? Because they made you... a vampire?

John Smith
No. That's not it.

Deejay
Huh?

John Smith
I hate them because they lived like slaves to me. I hate them because they gave their blood to feed my appetite. I hate them because they spent all of their time protecting me. I hate them because they didn't wanna have another child because of me. I hate them because they sacrificed everything for me. I hate them because they made me live long enough to see them die. I hate them because they made me feel lonely for two centuries. I hate them because they made me miss them. I hate them because they made me love them this much. I hate them because they were the best.

Deejay
Awww... you just sounded like '10 Things I Hate About You'.

John Smith
Shut up.

Deejay
You're a good vampire son. But...I have a question, though.

John Smith
What?

Deejay
You said the reason why your parents didn't want you to stay under the sunlight was because... they didn't want you to burn?

John Smith
Yeah. Vampires burn if exposed to sunlight.

Deejay
Don't vampires just... sparkle under the sunlight?

John Smith
Do I sound like one of Stephenie Meyer's vampires to you?

Edisi Khas Bahasa Melayu 4: Cinta Dan Kapal Hubungan

Hadi
Okey, sekarang lagi senang kalau kau berterus-terang. Apa yang buat kau rasa macam ni? Apa yang buat kau ragu-ragu, sampai menggelabah tak tentu pasal sedangkan bendanya belum pun berlaku. Cuba cerita. And aku cakap, "Cuba cerita", bukan "Ceciter, ceciter". Sekali-sekala guna macam tu, tak apa. Banyak kali dah jadi annoying nak mampus. Ha, cuba cerita.

Japa
Well, at first macam biasalah, jatuh hati, berkenalan, rasa makin suka, rasa makin sayang, propose jadi pakwe-makwe, then kenal hati budi dengan lebih lanjut, hari-hari mesej, hari-hari call, kalau sehari tak dengar khabar rasa semacam tak lengkap. Mula-mula semuanya rasa best, bahagia tak ingat. Tapi lama-lama rasa lain sikit. Belum sampai tahap bosan, tapi... yelah, rasa macam tak kena.

Hadi
Okey, bila orang cakap hubungan dia macam ada yang tak kena, ada beberapa situasi yang selalunya berlaku tanpa disedari. SATU, diorang memang sebenarnya dah bosan, tapi masing-masing tak nak mengaku. DUA, dah wujud orang ketiga. TIGA, diorang baru perasan yang sebenarnya diorang tak serasi langsung. Sebelum ni semuanya either nafsu atau just buta. Asal ada rasa syok sikit, oh, itulah cinta! Podah. EMPAT, diorang dah jumpa orang baru. Belum sampai tahap jadi orang ketiga, belum cukup kenal untuk dijadikan skandal atau simpanan, tapi diorang terjumpa seseorang yang lebih menarik, sama ada dari segi fizikal mahupun personaliti. LIMA, diorang dah langgar barrier.

Japa
Barrier? Maksud kau?

Hadi
Perbezaan usia, ataupun darjat, ataupun agama, ataupun bangsa, ataupun sifat, atau apa-apa yang pada mulanya diorang rasa macam, "Tak apa, we can find a way to deal with that later", tapi lama-lama setelah cuba dan terus mencuba, diorang gagal dan akhirnya give up. That's the barrier I'm talking about. Is that your case?

Japa
Tak. Aku rasa kes aku lebih kepada nombor tiga atau empat. Atau kedua-duanya.

Hadi
Look, kalau bab keserasian, aku tak boleh komen. Sebab bukan aku yang tengah bercinta dan berdilema sekarang ni. Kau dengan partner kau yang lagi tau tentang hati budi masing-masing. Kalau kau rasa masih ada peluang untuk korang menjadi lebih serasi, then by all means, cuba. Kalau kau rasa korang dah habis cuba, then lagi baik stop awal-awal sebelum dua-dua sakit hati. Hm, kalau bab jumpa orang baru pulak, bergantung. Siapa yang jumpa ni? Kau ke dia?

Japa
Dua-dua. Aku baru terjumpa, yang dia pulak aku dah tau lama dah dia jumpa. Dalam rahsia. Tapi aku tau. Aku boleh hidu. Aku yakin dia dah lama jumpa orang lain. Mungkin dah sampai tahap dombor dua.

Hadi
Macam mana hubungan korang? Masih intim ke atau dah nampak macam hilang tumpuan? Kalau dah nampak macam hilang tumpuan, then mungkin dah parah sampai tahap nombor satu. Tapi kau sure korang bukan nombor tiga?

Japa
Tak, masa kitorang jatuh cinta dulu memang kitorang yakin dengan perasaan kitorang.

Hadi
Nenek aku pun pernah cakap macam tu masa dia suruh aku bawak dia naik basikal jalan ke rumah jiran jual kain. Tapi bila aku baru start kayuh dah jatuh hempap kaki dia sampai patah, sampai sekarang dia ungkit. Anyway, kalau masalah korang jumpa orang baru ni, then aku nasihatkan be honest to each other lah. Kalau dah tak yakin dengan hubungan tu, let each other go. So kau boleh terus berkenalan dengan yang baru tu, and dia boleh terus berkenalan dengan yang baru jugak.

Japa
Kalau kes nombor satu, macam mana pulak?

Hadi
Obviously kalau kes nombor satu korang dah tak boleh buat apa-apa. Ye, aku boleh cakap "Mungkin ada cara lain untuk korang kembalikan rasa sayang tu dan hilangkan rasa bosan", but unfortunately, aku tak ada idea sekarang. Kau try tanya orang lain. Kalau aku, baik jujur dengan diri sendiri.

Japa
So...I should let my love go?

Hadi
Ha, that depends on whether or not you really meant it when you said "my love". Did you mean it or did you simply use the term generally?

Japa
Aku pun tak sure. Tapi macam tak sampai hati pulak nak break. Dah lama kot.

Hadi
Life will get better eventually. Masa break memang rasa semacam pahitnya. Tak kisahlah atas dasar kehendak diri sendiri atau tak. Tapi as I always believe, sometimes in life, we have to let go certain things in order to gain new and better ones. Aku bukan nak cakap yang kau patut let go now or in the future. Kau boleh try hold it one more time, kalau kau sanggup. Aku cuma nak bagitau yang bila kau dah cuba macam-macam and still failing, then it's time to let go. Accept it. Banyak benda kau boleh belajar dari situ.

Japa
Haih, pening kepala aku!

Hadi
Memanglah pening. Kalau tak bukan masalah namanya. Anyway, kau boleh dengar nasihat aku ni, atau kau boleh ignore. Aku bukan expert pun bab-bab macam ni.

Japa
Bukan senang nak start over, dude. Nanti nak kena mengurat balik... kenal hati budi masing-masing balik... kena propose balik... adoi.

Hadi
Tapi lagi susah kalau hidup dalam keraguan, tak pasti hala tuju, hati tak senang, sana-sini curiga, tak percaya satu sama lain and stuff, kan? Plus, kau bukan dalam filem Hindustan semua masalah akan settle in the end and ada happy ending. Ni real life ni. Ha, kau pilihlah sendiri yang mana kau lagi prefer.

Japa
Kau rasa aku patut break ke atau tengok dulu macam mana?

Hadi
Aku tak boleh bagitau. A good advice is always neutral. I can give you options and opinions, like I just did, but I must never tell you to pick yang mana satu. Kalau aku buat macam tu, maknanya aku bukan tengah bagi nasihat, tapi menghasut.

Japa
Tapi aku rasa aku patut break. Aku dah confirm sangat dia dah ada orang lain.

Hadi
No comment kat situ. Aku memang tak boleh cakap apa-apa. Dude, aku cuma kenal kau online kat Facebook, jumpa and hang out sama-sama pun tak pernah. Aku fan Liverpool, kau Manchester United. Silap hari bulan kita ni musuh. What makes you think aku layak untuk bagitau kau exactly apa yang patut kau buat?

Japa
Itulah sebabnya aku tanya kau, bro. Sebab kau tak kenal aku and Timah personally. So kau boleh bagi opinion secara bebas, tak biased kepada sesiapa. Kau tak kenal aku, and kau definitely tak kenal Timah.

Hadi
Timah? Umm, dude, nama sebenar kau apa eh? Jaafar ke Azfar?

Japa
Azfar Muthalib. Kenapa?

Hadi
I think you should break up with her.

Japa
Eh, kenapa tiba-tiba?

Selepas 30 minit tanpa reply...

Japa
F**k you! I repeat, f**k you, Hadi! Macam manalah aku boleh tak perasan yang kau nilah si bangsat yang tackle awek aku, kan? F**k you!

Malaysia And That Little Part Of Us

1. The Escalator

A Malay woman was walking around in a shopping complex, having her eyes on stuff from one shop to another, with her 7-year-old son. Then she headed towards an escalator while the son was happily running here and there. She called him, "Hey, come here!" He rushed towards his mother.

By fate, his right hand was stuck in the moving escalator, and crushed instantly. He screamed painfully while the mother cried for help from anyone around. Everyone panicked. The escalator was still moving and pancaking the small hand of that boy. Nobody seemed to know what to do. Then a Chinese guy came with one of the guards. The guard put a key in and the escalator stopped.

One quick call from the Chinese man (who made the right move - instead of standing around and panicking) and the Malay boy survived.

2. The Scissors

A Malay man was riding a motorcycle when his 60-year-old mother who was sitting on the back tripped and fell. They both faced the hard ground and suffered the impact. But his mother suffered more. As her kain batik got entangled with the wheel, she broke her leg while falling. It could get worse as the broken leg was right beneath the red hot exhaust.

But it was not meant to be that bad as an Indian man from the nearby magazine shop came to the rescue. He brought along a pair of scissors and immediately cut the entangled cloth before it brought more harm. She survived.

And that old woman is now healthily growing old and walking from house to house, visiting the neighbours and still talking about the man who saved her.

3. The Gangsters

A 13-year-old Chinese student was studying in a local school. As a normal teenager, he played and messed around. People would probably call him mischievous or even more than that, but who in that kind of age is not?

One day, several men with tattoos all over their body came and waited in front of the school gate. They were waiting for the kid, furiously. Something must have happened. The kid ran towards a Malay teacher and asked for help. He was scared to death and did not want to go back.

The teacher then brought him face-to-face with the men at the gate and said, "This is a school, and this is my student. Here, he is my responsibilty and I'll watch him walk towards his home, safely. Don't touch him." And the kid reached his home safely.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well I heard these stories secondhand. I'm not sure if they really happened as I wasn't there to witness them. But to me, these stories are amazing and I feel obliged to share them. And I know for sure, there is more out there.

Racism has been a pain in the ass these days. We suffer from hatred because of petty reasons and stuff that is beyond our understanding. We talk and fight against each other. That is a fact. But, I am more than willing to bet, that despite everything that has happened, there will be one or two of us, if not all, who will step up and save our friends and even strangers from a different ethnic when it matters most. Because I know deep in our heart, we care. And that is all that matters. That little part of us.

That's Not How You Treat A Lady

When I wrote 'The Price A Woman Should Never Pay', I thought those responsible for the incident were the worst people I could possibly imagine. But I was wrong.

Today, I learned that humans will never fail to disgust me in every way that is possible. They will succeed in portraying the darkest part of their heart and the rest of us will not be able to believe just how good they, or maybe I should say 'we', are at it.


These women are the victims of extreme selfishness, ridiculous sense of humanity, and allow me to say it, disgustingly lack of love and appreciation that if I had to describe these tragedies and the people who were behind them, I'd proudly say, "Motherf**kers."

Who the hell gives you and me the right to throw acid on anybody?

Credits to my friend Baizulikha for posting this on Facebook, Jim Verhulst and Emilio Morenatti for publishing this story on... here.

Hate This & I'll Love You

"Whoa! You just stole my meal! Now I'm going to make you pay for it!"
"No, I'm not gonna! I'm not gonna!"
"Well, I knew you were going to say that. So I already paid it using your card."
"Aww...wait, no! Wow, that was harsh!"
"You well deserved it! Ha! Ha!"

The first time she did it, it was adorable. The second time she did it, it was cute. The third time she did it, I smiled. The fourth, fifth and probably sixth, or was it seventh? Well, I still didn't mind. She was lovely, my own sun that shone on me, warm and welcoming, and my life was at its best! She completed me.

"You know, instead of making you pay for meals using your very own card, oh sorry! Cardsss.."
"I get your point."
"...I think I should use them on something else. Maybe some shoes? Bags? Huh?"
"You know, when you speak that way with that smile and gesture, you really look like a witch with breast cancer."
"Breast cancer has got nothing to do with the way I smile!"
"Well, I did mention 'gesture'..."

There was one moment of hesitation in my years with her, when she asked me to take her home after work and I refused due to a possible super heavy traffic in her area. She didn't say anything. An hour later she called me, crying, saying, "Next time you picked me up whenever I asked you to! I almost killed a man!"

"What happened?!!"
"He tried to snatch and grab me."
"Huh?"
"He tried to snatch and grab me! What are you? Deaf?"
"I thought you said... you almost killed a man...?"
"Well he tried and failed! It was raining, he slipped right before he reached me. So I hit him instead, before he could get me."
"Well, are you sure he had that intention to... snatch and grab...you?"
"That's what I meant by "I almost killed a man!". I was scared! You didn't want to pick me up! So I panicked every time I saw a man! What do you expect?"

On my 25th birthday, she bought me a cake. There was a face on it, 'me with a baby smile' she said. She bought me no present because, she told me, "A babbbbyyy doesshhhhnnn't know anythiiiiingggg about a presheeennntt!", while pinching on my both cheeks.

"I hate this song."
"What song?"
"'Hate This & I'll Love You'"
"Then don't listen to it."
"But I want to listen to it!"
"Then listen to it."
"But I hate the feeling this song represents!"
"Is it possible that if you hate this song, you'll love the feeling it represents?"
"It could be."
"Then do it."
"Okay!"

She never did. She kept listening to the song and got very grouchy afterwards. It would be me, only me, who was able to put those witch-like smiles back on her face. It was supposed to be that way.

But it wasn't. Because I never let her keep my cards. I never said anything about the way she smiled. I never thought about taking her home from work, ever. I never picked up the phone when she called. I never wanted the cake because I threw it away. I never listened to her complaints about the song. I never cared. And for all the possibilities that could have happened if I was different, I wish now I could have cared.

This story has got nothing to do with anybody. It's 100% fictional.

"Your Daddy's Cool...!"

"I hate him! He always says that I can't have it because it's not for me. Says that a good kid should never play with that kind of things! But what does he know? I'm the kid, not him!"

Rishi shouted out what he had in mind. He hated his dad for not buying him the scooter he wanted. It was blue in colour, with some black stripes on it, a combination that had been his favourite since he watched the new 'Ultraman' series. "I love that scooter! It's got my favourite colours on it! It is literally Ultraman Agul's scooter!"

"But maybe your dad was right. You see at school, bad kids always ride on scooters to chase and bully other kids. Maybe it is true that a good kid should never ride a scooter...", his friend Jaban defended his bestfriend's dad. He had always admired Rishi's father, especially since the day he scolded those bad kids who had been making fun of him. They used to call him 'Jamban'. Not anymore.

"Ahh! The truth is, he doesn't have the money to buy one for me! What a lame dad! Everyone's daddy is like.. rich or something. You see Daud's dad? Yesterday he bought him another Barbue doll that cost him about 27 hundreds ringgit!"

"You... want your dad to buy you a Barbue doll? That's silly...", Jaban responded sceptically.

"No! What I'm trying to say is, his dad got him a very expensive toy! Just like that!" Rishi argued.

"Nah, Daud's lying. There's no way that Barbue doll cost 27 hundreds ringgit! With that amount, you can buy... eleven cars!", he showed all of his fingers from both hands excitedly.

The next morning, Rishi's dad entered his bedroom. He woke his son up and brought him outside. Right when he set his eyes on the thing in front of him, a series of happy-like adrenaline rush took over Rishi's body. In great excitement he cried, "Whoa! A mountain bike! A mountain bike! Thank you, daddy! Whoa! Whoa!"

While watching his son trying to get on the bicycle, he said, "Now that's what a 7-year-old kid should ride. Not some stupid-looking scooters. Next time when those boys try to tease you again, you outrun them with the speed of light! You have bigger wheels! Come on!"

Rishi had not learned how to ride a bicycle, yet. So he pulled his new 'toy' by his side and went straight to Jaban's home as quickly as possible.

"Dude, your daddy's cool...!", Jaban was impressed, again.

A New Place To Learn English

Straight to the point, me and my friend Syafiq (again) are co-hosting a new blog called 'Let's Get Whiteboard-ed'. The main purpose of this blog is to make it a community where anybody who loves English can share what he or she knows or wants to know about the language.

But the best part is, when we said 'share', we literally meant it. If you have ideas about teaching methods, learning skills, study tips, classroom experience or anything related to English education, we encourage you to write it down in a form of a writing and send it to us! If it's good, we'll publish it on the blog with your name as the author.

Some people complain about their level of English proficiency and how to improve it. Well now we have one of many solutions - start reading and writing!

Other than that, 'Let's Get Whiteboard-ed' will also be a place where you get to know about news and what's going on with our country's English teaching and learning. There you'll find links that direct you to a lot of important websites, important as in for; research papers, English games, literatures, dictionaries etc. I'm sure they'll be good for your classrooms (if you're a teacher) and studies (if you're still studying).

You can check how to write to us (really simple steps) on 'How You Can Contribute' on our page.

Anyway, do have a look and think about it, okay? We wish you all the best and we surely hope this new site can be of help.

TRAPPED IN PERSON

Look into your eyes and wonder
a few years have gone away
you’ve washed away the fears
but they come back
hands have bled and hurt
and your mind has self-expressed
it has self-told
that everything should stop when things’ve gone wrong
or continue despite the truth
they will tell you’re wrong
or admit you’re not when it’s wrong
it’ll become a stage of self-lying
you’ll believe anything that is there
because you’re self-lying
that you’re not self-trapped

A Tale Of A Fire Accident

It was Ilham's voice that woke me up. In actuality, I was not really sure if it was him who called me, but I knew well enough that he was the only one who would ever call me by that name. "Wake up, Jamu! Wake up! You need to get out of here!"

I could not see a thing as the smoke was getting into my eyes. It was hot, too. But Ilham kept leading me towards the exit. "Here! I know you can't see anything, so listen to my voice, okay?"

Our office was on fire. When we heard the explosion, everyone's face turned white. They panicked. "Fire! This room is on fire! Get out of here!"

We were all running when a fat young man accidentally hit me with his elbow and I fell down on the floor. Then the same guy banged the door so hard that the file cabinet got opened and all those thick hardcovers dropped right on my head. I lost my consciousness. But seconds before I blacked out, I noticed the tables, chairs and walls were burning fiercely, and I was the only one left.

"Wake up, Jamu! Wake up! You need to get out of here!" Ilham came back to save me. I followed his voice and slowly walked out of the room. My hands got burned pretty bad while trying to protect myself from the burning walls. I wondered how Ilham's hands were.

Outside, I saw them crying. Either they were shocked or happy to be alive, I could not tell. And I could not find Ilham. I was sure he was right in front of me. I searched for him. Then one of my colleagues said, "Jamil! Oh, I'm glad you made it. Thank God! It was close! When the kitchen exploded, it killed Ilham...and you were just right next to him. But I'm glad you're here."

On that second, I remembered witnessing the fire eating my brother alive. He was screaming for help, but I ignored him. I panicked and I ran as fast as I could. I did not even look back. Then that fat guy hit me.

Dramatic Durian

Did I tell you that I am a movie goer? That I love watching movies a lot? Well, if I did, that's good. If I didn't, well... guys, I am movie goer. I love watching movies, especially back-to-back, and nothing excites me more than watching movies at the cinema.

Anyway, me and my friend Syafiq are sharing similar interest in this activity and somehow one day we decided to create a site that talks about movies all the time. 100% movie-related. Local and international. Guess what? We did it. There are reviews, featured articles and news over there. Do have a look, please.

And this guy's name is DD. Hoho.

How Do You Know When You Are Going To Feel Sick?

Not feeling well is a common phenomenon for humans. It's like when you forgot to submit your assignment during the previous class. It's like when you forgot to wish a friend 'Happy Birthday'. It's like when you forgot to lock the door while taking a poop. It happens all the time. But also, there were times when we failed to realize, or 'forgot' that we were not feeling well at a certain moment, until our very own body laid down on bed, weak and unable to move, like a housefly under a flyswatter. And then we regretted it.

So how do we know when to know that we are going to feel sick, beforehand? Aha! Here I provide some unconventional clues. If you are experiencing any of these situations listed below, do make sure you stop doing whatever you're doing right away, eat healthy food and take a good rest. Better safe than sorry.

1. When your SMSes are full of vowels, like "I see..", "Ooowh..", "Eee...", "Blueeek", "Uuum..", "Aaa...", "Huhuhu..", "Wuwuwu.." and other made up sounds.

2. When you say "Pizza!" while pointing at a glass of water on the mini table and you repeat it again when your mother says, "What?".

3. When you start running unconsciously from the bedroom towards the living room while being chased by your mother and brothers/sisters.

4. When you start getting worried about the size of the cupboard that looks bigger than the door and wondering how it got into the house in the first place.

5. When you can't finish your favourite food and let your brother/sister have it happily.

6. When you scream in fright while watching a comedy.

7. When you don't feel bad for not going to work or class.

8. When you feel angry over the guy who invented ice cream.

9. When you can read a doctor's handwriting.

10. When your friend says "Justin Bieber is the best singer in the world!" and you don't say a word to disagree.

11. When you say "Justin Bieber is the best singer in the world!".

12. When you still say "Justin Bieber is the best singer in the world!" even after your friend had corrected you.

13. When your girlfriend/boyfriend wants to watch 'Twilight' instead of any other movies and you don't do a thing to stop her/him.

14. When you want to watch 'Twilight' instead of any other movies.

15. When you still want to watch 'Twilight' instead of any other movies even after your friend had stopped you.

16. When (sigh) your body temperature is not 37 degrees Celsius and you feel comfortable sitting in a car at 12 at noon without switching on the air conditioner.

17. When every song you sing turns into a sad song and every movie you watch turns into a horror movie.

18. When you wipe the spilled vanilla shake on the floor using your cat instead of any proper cleaning equipment while thinking "Never mind. It will just lick itself back and now I'm giving its fur a flavour."

19. When you don't like Muse.

20. When you don't support Manchester United.

The Ronaldinho-and-William Hung-looking Lady Ghost

So this Debol guy went out one night and saw something, or someone he didn't really want to see.

It all started 2 minutes back when he and his roommate talked about a 'ghost' story. It was 12.12 a.m. and Buyut was telling Debol about how he heard that the campus was 'haunted' by a 'lady'. Debol was that kind of guy who would get his heart chicken-ed by just hearing words like 'ghost', 'spirit', 'haunt', 'graveyard' and 'Miss Zubaidah'.

Buyut was like, "I heard it from a guard who heard it from another guard that years ago there was this ugly 40-year-old lady who worked at the cafeteria downstair. Her face was badly injured in an accident she had when she was a kid. Because of that, she wasn't really friendly, didn't like to talk much and she spent most of her times cleaning the floors and watching 'Rosalinda' at home. I mean, you can imagine how an ugly woman feels watching that telenovela, right? Jealousy and rage were all over her, you get me?"

"How did she look like, really? I get that she was ugly, but how ugly?", Debol was curious.

"She was...Ronaldinho-ish. And a little bit of William Hung...as a woman...", Buyut answered. "Eww!", Debol reacted in disgust before his friend added, "...and she slipped in one of those toilets we had at the cafe, with her face hitting right into the nasty bowl. Unfortunately, somebody forgot to flush it before."

Debol felt like throwing up so he went outside. He threw up and then he threw up again. He was quite good at using his imagination, so what his friend had told him was repeatedly playing on his mind with 'styles' of how he had imagined earlier - Ronaldinho and William Hung combined, with some additional features from the toilet bowl.

Then he saw something...or someone. A woman was standing in front of him with strong eyes and a smirk that reminded him of a Brazillian footballer and an accidental American Idol superstar, saying, "I just wiped that floor 30 minutes ago and now you have made me feel like wiping it again. How amusinggggg!"

Debol fainted instantenously.

That was how he missed Miss Zubaidah's lectures for six days straight and got barred. His friend Buyut didn't get the chance to finish the story and tell him that the woman survived the 'horrible' toilet accident and was still working at the cafeteria downstair.

People On Facebook™

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it is improper to have these things on your Facebook™. I mean, who am I to ask you to stop writing whatever you have in mind? I do the same. In fact, I do it all the time. But I'm just wondering, did you ever feel like, "Ergh! Just for once, can you stop?" when you read some of your friends' (or perhaps you might want to call them 'collection' as you don't really know or talk to all of them) status updates?

I don't like putting those who are on my friends list in hide mode. I put them on the list because I wanted to know them. If not directly, then indirectly will suffice. So I can enjoy reading their updates no matter how weird or annoying they are. There's always something to learn, eh? But that's me. You might have a different point of view so you use everything that has been provided by Facebook™; the 'hide' button for instance.

But even with the fact that I purposely prepared myself to read them, there were moments when I felt like banging someone's head against the floor. When they used the same pattern too many times, again and again, you can't help but feel disturbed. Did you feel any of these, at the very least, for once?

1. If I wanted to learn philosophy, I would have taken philosophy classes!
"Life's a journey, not a destination." <-- All the time.

2. If I wanted to learn ideology, I would have taken ideology classes!

"Being single is always better! Oh, I love being single!" <-- Twice a day.

3. If I wanted to know about your feeling, I would have asked you, "How are you feeling?"!

"Ko ingat aku heran sangat ke dengan boyfriend ko tu, hah? Dia bukan hensem mana pun! Ko jer yang menggelabah tak tentu pasal. Die, bitch, die!" <-- Kejap lagi marah orang lain pulak.

4. If I wanted to know about how much money you had spent, I would have asked you, "How much money did you spend?"!
"I just bought a new bra worth RM400, a new pair of shoes worth 579.99, and most importantly, I got my dream Prada handbag worth RM1000++!" <-- Silent mode in the middle of the month.

5. If I wanted to know about your business, I would have told you to count me in!

"Dengan log in Facebook saja saya sudah memperoleh RM2000 dalam masa 2 hari. Tunggu apa lagi? PM saya sekarang!" <-- Next time ayat sama, amount je yang lain.

6. If I wanted to know about your relationship, I would have asked you, "How are things going between you and him/her?"!
"Sampai hati U tuduh I curang, B. I tak pernah buat camtu. Dalam hati I there's only U!" <-- Kenapa tak SMS or call, or post on his wall?

7. If I wanted to know about your weight, I would have asked, "How much do you weigh?"!
"Dulu berat 55kg. Pastu turun 48kg. Pastu naik 60kg. Huhu." <-- Suruh bersenam, tak nak. Pastu hari-hari complain.

8. If I wanted to know how many friend requests you get, I would have asked, "How many friend requests do you get?"!
"Just rejected 1219 friend requests. Sorry, I don't approve strangers." <-- I bet she knows every single friend who's already on the list (4344 altogether).

Like I said, it's not my place to judge anybody and tell them to stop. But as a simple human being, we're not that great to escape from saying 'Enough!". Sometimes, when you keep reading the same thing, you feel tired. And you can't blame people if they start to label you against your way. I talk nonsense all the time on Facebook™ (I really do and I love doing it), and my friends start labeling me 'nonsense'. Can I blame them?

I believe that those on your friends list give colours to your life. Because you have chosen them to be among 'you'.

p/s: And they give you stories to talk about, too. In Malay we call 'mengumpat'. Hohoho.

The Entry I Did Not Wish To Publish

Why aren't there pictures describing anything?

Writing is an art, and so is reading. You can read thousands of words anytime, anyday. You can read more words the next day. You will not fail to read them as you know what you're reading. Yes, because you know what you're reading that pictures aren't here to describe anything.

In a good piece of writing, there shall be a picture or two describing the uttered words you have in mind. In a good piece of writing, there shall be illustrations visualizing the uttered words you have in mind. In a good piece of writing, there shall not be only letters explaining the uttered words you have in mind.

Be it in an article or news, or whatever goddamned thing you have in front of your eyes.

But why aren't there pictures describing anything, here?

Because I want it that way. I always wonder if I'd be able to have anybody read my writing without any additional motivation, like visual motivation for instance. I always wonder if people would read my writing even if there isn't a single picture to help you relax your eyes and mind.

So that's why there are no pictures describing anything. But at times, I do need to feed myself with some colours. So I put specifically some visually-enhanced entries under one certain genre. But most of the times, I prefer to challenge myself and ignore those colours. I did not wish to tell anybody about this for it would defeat the purpose. I did not wish to publish this entry for it would undo the challenge I put against myself.

But here again, I gain another challenge. Will I submit to the fact that by doing so my writing will be as dull as...a dull writing - I haven't got any good comparison for that, or will I not? It's really hard to attract readers nowadays, you know? Especially when your writing isn't about sex and scandals.

Aliens And Football

After failing in their attempts to conquer planet Earth two times in a row (please refer to here and here), the aliens finally realized that they must not rush. They should wait and be prepared for a lot of things. The humans are so unpredictable and every data they have on them cannot be trusted. So the aliens stayed low for a while and practiced.

Long have they searched for a loophole and long have they tried to win, yet victory hasn't been very good at knocking on their door. But they have found another way to strike. They have found... football.

What you're about to hear is the direct translation of their conversations, recorded during practice. On 15th January 2011, at 3.33 p.m., somewhere around Earth, they had this:

Alien Five:
"You gotta know four basic things! Pass, hold, shoot! Pass, hold, shoot!"

Alien Two:
"But that's only three, boss."

Alien Five:
"The fourth is shut-the-hell-up-and-just-do-what-I-said! Now you do these things and keep doing it until... wait, where's Number One?"

Alien One:
"Here! I'm here! Wait up!" (rushing towards the group in a 'suit')

Alien Three:
"What the hell are you wearing?"

Alien One:
"Oh, this is American Football suit. I bought it yesterday as soon as I heard we were gonna start practicing football."

Alien Five:
"I said 'football', not American f**king Football!"

Alien One:
"It's not the same?"

Alien Five:
"No. Football uses the foot, left or right, to play with the ball. American Football does not."

Alien One:
But I checked and double-checked it! They were all calling this 'football'! The one you were talking about, that foot thingie, it's called 'soccer'!"

Alien Four:
"Oh, I get it. He went to the United States Of America."

Alien Five:
"The United Sta...why, why on Earth did you go to the United States Of America?"

Alien One:
"Aren't we going to strike from that country?"

Alien Five:
"Who said that?"

Alien One:
"The movies! 'Independence Day', 'Signs', 'Skyline', 'Transformers', 'Cloverfield', 'The Day The Earth Stood Still', 'Race To Witch Mountain', 'War Of The Worlds' and...what else? Well, all those alien-related movies showed that aliens like us would start with the United States first! Right?"

Alien Two:
"No they did not! What about 'Koi...Mil Gaya' and 'Senario XX'?"

Alien Five:
"Okay, cut it! I don't care how you got this stupid invade-U.S.A-first idea, and we're not gonna strike that country anyway, but take away this clown suit! Get it off my face! It's not football! It even hardly uses the foot!"

Alien One:
"Then why call it American 'football' if it hardly uses the foot? Ceh!" (removing the suit)

Alien Three:
"So boss, if we're not gonna attack the United States, which country do you have in mind?"

Alien Five:
"The small ones. Like Nepal, Singapore, and Malaysia. Something like that."

Alien Three:
"But boss, the reason why we're practicing this sports is because...we want to blend in with them, right? Because this is the number one sports on their planet. We practice, become good at it, and then join their football team. Blend in. In disguise. But then, why do you want to invade those small countries? They are not even dominant in football games. Why not England, Brasil, Argentina and Spain?"

Alien Five:
"Do you really think we stand a chance to join their first team if we strike England, Brasil, Argentina, and Spain? Football is a human sports. It's not meant for aliens like us! We can never play as good as them! That's why I choose those small countries. They are weaker footballers, so we might be able to outperform them. See? I'm a genius!"

Alien Four:
"You're a genius, boss."

Alien Five:
"That's what I just said."

Alien Three:
"But boss, if Lionel Messi can do it, so can we!"

Alien Five:
"Who's Lionel Messi?"

Alien Three:
"He's like us. They said he's from another planet."

Alien Five:
"Hmm..." (thinking)

Alien Two:
"Boss, you haven't told us about the fourth move. Pass, hold, shoot and what else?"

Alien Four:
"I don't think he really knows what he's teaching..." (whispering to Alien Two)

Alien Five:
"Shut up!"

Alien One:
"Umm...someone...can someone help me? I can't take this helmet off!"

To be continued...

Comic Adaptations (Part 2)

I guess life gets better naturally, alright? It can never get worse on its own, unless you yourself do some things that perhaps don't belong, and they eventually lead to the demise of your own fortune. Or something like that. But there's no such a person who purposely makes his or her life that bad. In fact, we all struggle to improve ourselves to the utmost possibilities, greatest possibilities that lie ahead, and should we fail...well, life will still get better someday in the end. Because it has to. It won't get worse just like that.

On my part of living a life as a writer, it does get better. It moves slowly, but it's getting there. I got some ideas running in my brain, I know how to start working on them, and it's just a matter of time before I start visualizing them into reality. But I want to take my time. For the moment, allow me to cherish what I have in hands.

On Friday, November 12 2010, I wrote a short story about how fragile a child's love towards his mother is if compared to vice versa. It's titled 'When It Breaks More Than It Should'. Turned out that my collaborator Fakhrul Anour loved it and wanted to make it a short 6-page comic strip. I guess it's my luck.

You can 'listen' to his points of view about the story here.

And like I've always said, I write whatever I have in mind. Sometimes it could be total nonsense, sometimes it could mean something. I write to feed my passion, and however weird my writings end up to be, I thank you for reading them.

p/s: You might wanna check Comic Adaptations

A Story Of A Nasyen

So this story took place exactly 612 years ago. On 1399, about a year or two before Parameswara leaned his back against the Melaka (some sort of Indian gooseberry - so they said) tree and founded Melaka (internationally known as Malacca), someone unknown had reached that very same land beforehand and 'planted' something. It was an idea. And if any of you thinks this is pretty much like the movie 'Inception' by Christopher Nolan, you are not wrong.

So this guy was called Nasyen. He came with three of his most trustworthy advisors and each advisor controls several hundreds of independent warriors. Even though I said this Nasyen guy was unknown, he was actually quite famous throughout the continent. It was just that modern people like us never heard a thing about this guy that made me label him 'unknown'. And though the advisors' warriors were called independent, they were most likely available only with the presence of imperial seals that belong to Nasyen himself and the Three Advisors. That did not make them entirely independent, did it?

On the day he set his foot on Melaka's soil (at that time it had not been named Melaka - just a new land), Nasyen promised his men that in 12 months (or more), there would be some powerful people coming to the same land. Those powerful men led by a wise young leader would soon create a small kingdom renowned to the whole seas. Then that small kingdom would later develop into a nation. "And that nation will give you everything", he told his people. Little did they know that Nasyen was under the influence of a highly sedative herb (for his infected throat) at that time, he was high and pretty much delusional, hence the speech. But the Three Advisors and their warriors did not take that lightly.

Hoping to achieve a new life, a better one, those Three Advisors vowed, come hell or high water, they would make Nasyen's words a reality. They scattered their warriors to all lands with one mission, "Make someone worthy come to this land". With secrecies in so many events, like a shadow those warriors pulled strings together, one after another, and set everything up; the biggest one would be Paduka Sri Maharaja Parameswara's flight from Temasek (now famously known as Singapore) towards the northern side of the land. In fact, the very same warriors held responsible for igniting Majapahit's invasion in order to ensure that young prince would soon reach the destined land.

And there, the Three Advisors 'borrowed' Nasyen's priced white mouse deer to play its part. Famous for its sly attitude, the mouse deer was placed close to Parameswara's resting place. Soon, the young prince's dog (most probably a Chihuahua) saw the running deer. Not knowing there was some chicken-tasting sauce spilled over the mouse deer's body, the dog chased it. It was then the dog was outwitted and kicked by the mouse deer, and Parameswara witnessed this strange event. He was then inspired to found a kingdom.

Wait...wait a minute. You never heard of this story? Seriously?

Okay, you may say that this story was made up. You may say that I was telling a lie. You may even believe this story really did take place, if you want to. Everybody can claim they know the real history behind the foundation of our land and people. They can say that this is from here and that is from there. You can say anything. But for the love of God, we are all here, are we not?

The invasion of Majapahit, the foundation of Melaka, the rise of Tanah Melayu, Malaya, and eventually Malaysia, everything is a series of events. Maybe it happened by fate, maybe by coincidence, maybe by a lie. But again, we are here, are we not? And that is what matters.

We are stuck together here in one land. So let's just stick together. We have an idea of our own now. We have our Nasyen, we have our Three Advisors, and most of all, our independent warriors. Let's just stick with that for the moment.

You don't understand what I'm talking about? Too bad.

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Dramatic Durian

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Let's Get Whiteboard-ed!

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