Man Versus Woman

A. Why men are like computers..

1. They are useless until you turn them on.
2. They have loads of data but are still clueless.
3. As soon as you pick one a better model comes on the market!

B. Why women are like computers..

1. No one really understands them.
2. All of your errors can be detected and will be stored in their memory.
3. You find yourself spending all your money on accessories for them!

C. Three reasons why cats are better than men..

1. Cats love you however you look like.
2. You can stroke a cat without it thinking about sex.
3. You don't mind when your cat chases after birds, not you!

D. Four reasons why dogs are better than women..

1. Dogs obey when you shout at them.
2. Dogs don't do shopping.
3. You can give away your dogs to children.
4. Any guy can get a cute dog!

E. Why don't men often show their true feelings?

1. Because actually they don't have any.

F. What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?

1. Magnets have a positive side!

G. Why are married men fatter than single ones?

1. Singles come home, see nothing's in the fridge and go to bed.
2. Married come home, see nothing's in bed and go to the fridge!

H. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

1. Widow (because her husband is always at one place; the graveyard).

I. The IDEAL man does not smoke, does not drink, does not flirt, does not go out late at night. In short....DOES NOT exist.

J. MENopause, MENstrual pain, MENtal illness, HYS(his)terectomy...ever noticed how women's problems start with men??

K. Conversation between a wife and a husband:

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I'll be in your hands every day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I can change you daily!

L. Confession from a wife towards her husband:

" I'd like to compare you with a nice cold of watermelon juice, beautiful colour, perfect taste, really perfect, and when the glass is empty..I just take the next one!"

M. What a man says to a woman he doesn't like:

"I look at the stars..they are beautiful..I look at the moon..it makes me feel so good..I look at you..I..I...I'd rather look at the stars and the moon again..."

N. What a woman says to a man she doesn't like:

"When I look at the stars I see you..when I look at the moon I see you..when I look at the sun I see you...again?? Well get the **** out of my way!"

O. When a man wants to make fool out of a woman, he'll say:

"What's the difference between cute and feeling cute? You don't know? Well...cute is me, and feeling cute is you!"

P. When a woman wants to make fool out of a man, she'll phone and say:

"Hey, would you like to come over here? No one's in the house."
The man went to her house, and no one was there.

Q. Mobile phones are the only things in live of which men talk about having the smallest.

R. Women are like a phone call; nice to chat with, but if you press the wrong button, the line's gone.

S. Bride's father hands a note to the groom:

"Goods sold are not returnable."

The groom gave another note back to the father:

"Contract void if seal is broken."

T. When a guy tells you that he loves you from the bottom of his heart, be careful. For this may mean that there's still enough space for another girl on top.

U. Man says it's great. Man says it's fine. Nine months later he says it's not mine!

V. A successful man is the one who makes more money than he can spend. A successful woman is the one who finds him.