Edisi Khas Bahasa Melayu 5: Hikayat Esemes

Sepasang couple sedang ber-SMS pada waktu malam sebelum tidur. Jam menunjukkan 11.47.34, 11.47.35, 11.47.36......

Juli
Nantuk... :(

Rapit
Pi tido pi. :)

Juli
Epok?

Rapit
Tammau. :P

Juli
Nyanyi n dodoikan?

Rapit
Tanak. :D

Juli
:'(

Rapit
Olololoh... :D

Juli
Nanite... *blowing kiss*

Rapit
Alamak! Dah terbang pergi! :(

Juli
Camne boleh terbang pergi? :(

Rapit
Angin kuat sangat. Tak sempat tangkap. :(

Juli
Pi carik balik! Kalau tak tammau kawan dah. :(

Rapit
Okey! Jap! Jap! Jappppp!

Selepas 3 minit...

Rapit
Dah dapat! Tersangkut kat satelit Astro atas bumbung rumah tadi. Heheh. :D

Juli
:)

Rapit
Betul dah nak tido?

Juli
Betul laa... dah nantuk giler. Medula oblongata I dah shut down dah ni. :(

Rapit
Ooo... okey2. Hati2! ;P

Juli
Nape?

Rapit
Ada hantuuuu...eeeeee.... :D

Juli
Tak takut pun~

Rapit
Nanti jangan peluk bantal tau. Takut terpeluk benda lain pulak..... heheheheh~ :D

Juli
Bwek! Tak takut!

Rapit
Nanti jangan pandang bawah katil tau....

Juli
Ish!

Rapit
Huhu. T_T

Juli
Nape?

Rapit
I tertakutkan diri sendiri. T_T

Juli
Hehehe. Padan muka! ;P

Rapit
Wuwuwu. T_T

Juli
Klakar la U ni... hee. :D

Rapit
Heheh. U hepi tak skrg?

Juli
Hepi! Nape tanya?

Rapit
Hm.... :)

Juli
Nape 'hm....'?

Rapit
Jom kita break up jom. :D

Juli
Huh? What?

Rapit
I said, jom kita break up jom. :D

Juli
Why??? :(

Rapit
Ntah. Dah lama sangat kita kapel. Bosanlah pulak. Heheh.

Juli
U jangan main2!

Rapit
Mana ada I main2. I serius ni. Tengok I buat muka serius. Hm. >=[

Juli
U serius ke ni? Sumpah? :(

Rapit
Sumpah. Jom la break up. :)

Juli
Habis tadi nape U mesra2? Nape buat I senyum? Nape buat I hepi??? :'(

Rapit
Sebab I nak bagi mood U baik. Supaya U boleh terima keputusan ni dengan baik. I ada baca kat Internet. Kalau nak break up, make sure si dia tu dalam mood yang baik & waras. Hee. :D

Juli
Palotak U!

Why He Hates His Parents

Deejay
Hello, hello, hello! 'Saywell.fm', who's there?

John Smith
Hello, hi, I'm John Smith.

Deejay
Yes, John! How can I help you? Is there anything you wanna share with me and our dearest listeners tonight? Please do so.

John Smith
Yes. I wanna tell you a story about my parents. And the reason why I hate them.

Deejay
Owh...you, you sure you wanna talk about it... on air?

John Smith
Yes. And please just listen. Don't hang up. Please.

Deejay
Okay, as you wish.

John Smith
Thank you. So here it goes...

247 years ago, Ronald Smith and Elizabeth Smith got married. They lived in a farm. A year later they gave birth to a beautiful son. They named him John Smith. They were so happy together, and that boy was even happier. Perhaps not to some people, but living in a farm with a loving family was always his dream.

Unfortunately, when the boy reached 15, he fell sick. He was dying. The father tried everything to cure him, but none worked. The mother prayed to God every night, hoping to find a cure, but her son would just get worse. They spent every penny and took him to all kinds of doctor, but all ended up in vain. After months of trying, they finally gave up.

Then one day, a stranger visited their home. He came up with a proposal. Knowing that it would cure their son, both of them agreed with one condition - "Do not ever tell our son about what happened". He agreed.

The next day, John Smith was healthier than ever. Not only did he survive the illness, he ran faster and jumped higher than anyone else. He was stronger. The family got on the horse again. They started over. This time aorund, they promised that nothing would take them apart, ever again.

But eight years later, Ronald Smith died. Elizabeth followed him the next year. Those back-to-back tragedies broke John Smith's heart. He never had a family of his own because he loved his parents so much. But he could not fight fate. "Everyone dies," he said, "but now?? And why can't I die too???" It was then, he met the stranger who saved his life.

"I did not save you back then. I only prolonged your stay here in this world. But the truth is, you died the day I came to you", the stranger said. "I bit you, remember? You're a vampire. You were no longer a human the day your parents and I made the agreement! Every day, in every single drink you had, your parents put in their own blood so you wouldn't starve. Every day they told you to work downstairs so you wouldn't burn under the sunlight. They didn't want you to have any friends so you wouldn't feel different. That's the truth! They made you a vampire!"

...... ...... ......

Deejay
So... uhmm... is that the reason why you hate your parents? Because they made you... a vampire?

John Smith
No. That's not it.

Deejay
Huh?

John Smith
I hate them because they lived like slaves to me. I hate them because they gave their blood to feed my appetite. I hate them because they spent all of their time protecting me. I hate them because they didn't wanna have another child because of me. I hate them because they sacrificed everything for me. I hate them because they made me live long enough to see them die. I hate them because they made me feel lonely for two centuries. I hate them because they made me miss them. I hate them because they made me love them this much. I hate them because they were the best.

Deejay
Awww... you just sounded like '10 Things I Hate About You'.

John Smith
Shut up.

Deejay
You're a good vampire son. But...I have a question, though.

John Smith
What?

Deejay
You said the reason why your parents didn't want you to stay under the sunlight was because... they didn't want you to burn?

John Smith
Yeah. Vampires burn if exposed to sunlight.

Deejay
Don't vampires just... sparkle under the sunlight?

John Smith
Do I sound like one of Stephenie Meyer's vampires to you?

Edisi Khas Bahasa Melayu 4: Cinta Dan Kapal Hubungan

Hadi
Okey, sekarang lagi senang kalau kau berterus-terang. Apa yang buat kau rasa macam ni? Apa yang buat kau ragu-ragu, sampai menggelabah tak tentu pasal sedangkan bendanya belum pun berlaku. Cuba cerita. And aku cakap, "Cuba cerita", bukan "Ceciter, ceciter". Sekali-sekala guna macam tu, tak apa. Banyak kali dah jadi annoying nak mampus. Ha, cuba cerita.

Japa
Well, at first macam biasalah, jatuh hati, berkenalan, rasa makin suka, rasa makin sayang, propose jadi pakwe-makwe, then kenal hati budi dengan lebih lanjut, hari-hari mesej, hari-hari call, kalau sehari tak dengar khabar rasa semacam tak lengkap. Mula-mula semuanya rasa best, bahagia tak ingat. Tapi lama-lama rasa lain sikit. Belum sampai tahap bosan, tapi... yelah, rasa macam tak kena.

Hadi
Okey, bila orang cakap hubungan dia macam ada yang tak kena, ada beberapa situasi yang selalunya berlaku tanpa disedari. SATU, diorang memang sebenarnya dah bosan, tapi masing-masing tak nak mengaku. DUA, dah wujud orang ketiga. TIGA, diorang baru perasan yang sebenarnya diorang tak serasi langsung. Sebelum ni semuanya either nafsu atau just buta. Asal ada rasa syok sikit, oh, itulah cinta! Podah. EMPAT, diorang dah jumpa orang baru. Belum sampai tahap jadi orang ketiga, belum cukup kenal untuk dijadikan skandal atau simpanan, tapi diorang terjumpa seseorang yang lebih menarik, sama ada dari segi fizikal mahupun personaliti. LIMA, diorang dah langgar barrier.

Japa
Barrier? Maksud kau?

Hadi
Perbezaan usia, ataupun darjat, ataupun agama, ataupun bangsa, ataupun sifat, atau apa-apa yang pada mulanya diorang rasa macam, "Tak apa, we can find a way to deal with that later", tapi lama-lama setelah cuba dan terus mencuba, diorang gagal dan akhirnya give up. That's the barrier I'm talking about. Is that your case?

Japa
Tak. Aku rasa kes aku lebih kepada nombor tiga atau empat. Atau kedua-duanya.

Hadi
Look, kalau bab keserasian, aku tak boleh komen. Sebab bukan aku yang tengah bercinta dan berdilema sekarang ni. Kau dengan partner kau yang lagi tau tentang hati budi masing-masing. Kalau kau rasa masih ada peluang untuk korang menjadi lebih serasi, then by all means, cuba. Kalau kau rasa korang dah habis cuba, then lagi baik stop awal-awal sebelum dua-dua sakit hati. Hm, kalau bab jumpa orang baru pulak, bergantung. Siapa yang jumpa ni? Kau ke dia?

Japa
Dua-dua. Aku baru terjumpa, yang dia pulak aku dah tau lama dah dia jumpa. Dalam rahsia. Tapi aku tau. Aku boleh hidu. Aku yakin dia dah lama jumpa orang lain. Mungkin dah sampai tahap dombor dua.

Hadi
Macam mana hubungan korang? Masih intim ke atau dah nampak macam hilang tumpuan? Kalau dah nampak macam hilang tumpuan, then mungkin dah parah sampai tahap nombor satu. Tapi kau sure korang bukan nombor tiga?

Japa
Tak, masa kitorang jatuh cinta dulu memang kitorang yakin dengan perasaan kitorang.

Hadi
Nenek aku pun pernah cakap macam tu masa dia suruh aku bawak dia naik basikal jalan ke rumah jiran jual kain. Tapi bila aku baru start kayuh dah jatuh hempap kaki dia sampai patah, sampai sekarang dia ungkit. Anyway, kalau masalah korang jumpa orang baru ni, then aku nasihatkan be honest to each other lah. Kalau dah tak yakin dengan hubungan tu, let each other go. So kau boleh terus berkenalan dengan yang baru tu, and dia boleh terus berkenalan dengan yang baru jugak.

Japa
Kalau kes nombor satu, macam mana pulak?

Hadi
Obviously kalau kes nombor satu korang dah tak boleh buat apa-apa. Ye, aku boleh cakap "Mungkin ada cara lain untuk korang kembalikan rasa sayang tu dan hilangkan rasa bosan", but unfortunately, aku tak ada idea sekarang. Kau try tanya orang lain. Kalau aku, baik jujur dengan diri sendiri.

Japa
So...I should let my love go?

Hadi
Ha, that depends on whether or not you really meant it when you said "my love". Did you mean it or did you simply use the term generally?

Japa
Aku pun tak sure. Tapi macam tak sampai hati pulak nak break. Dah lama kot.

Hadi
Life will get better eventually. Masa break memang rasa semacam pahitnya. Tak kisahlah atas dasar kehendak diri sendiri atau tak. Tapi as I always believe, sometimes in life, we have to let go certain things in order to gain new and better ones. Aku bukan nak cakap yang kau patut let go now or in the future. Kau boleh try hold it one more time, kalau kau sanggup. Aku cuma nak bagitau yang bila kau dah cuba macam-macam and still failing, then it's time to let go. Accept it. Banyak benda kau boleh belajar dari situ.

Japa
Haih, pening kepala aku!

Hadi
Memanglah pening. Kalau tak bukan masalah namanya. Anyway, kau boleh dengar nasihat aku ni, atau kau boleh ignore. Aku bukan expert pun bab-bab macam ni.

Japa
Bukan senang nak start over, dude. Nanti nak kena mengurat balik... kenal hati budi masing-masing balik... kena propose balik... adoi.

Hadi
Tapi lagi susah kalau hidup dalam keraguan, tak pasti hala tuju, hati tak senang, sana-sini curiga, tak percaya satu sama lain and stuff, kan? Plus, kau bukan dalam filem Hindustan semua masalah akan settle in the end and ada happy ending. Ni real life ni. Ha, kau pilihlah sendiri yang mana kau lagi prefer.

Japa
Kau rasa aku patut break ke atau tengok dulu macam mana?

Hadi
Aku tak boleh bagitau. A good advice is always neutral. I can give you options and opinions, like I just did, but I must never tell you to pick yang mana satu. Kalau aku buat macam tu, maknanya aku bukan tengah bagi nasihat, tapi menghasut.

Japa
Tapi aku rasa aku patut break. Aku dah confirm sangat dia dah ada orang lain.

Hadi
No comment kat situ. Aku memang tak boleh cakap apa-apa. Dude, aku cuma kenal kau online kat Facebook, jumpa and hang out sama-sama pun tak pernah. Aku fan Liverpool, kau Manchester United. Silap hari bulan kita ni musuh. What makes you think aku layak untuk bagitau kau exactly apa yang patut kau buat?

Japa
Itulah sebabnya aku tanya kau, bro. Sebab kau tak kenal aku and Timah personally. So kau boleh bagi opinion secara bebas, tak biased kepada sesiapa. Kau tak kenal aku, and kau definitely tak kenal Timah.

Hadi
Timah? Umm, dude, nama sebenar kau apa eh? Jaafar ke Azfar?

Japa
Azfar Muthalib. Kenapa?

Hadi
I think you should break up with her.

Japa
Eh, kenapa tiba-tiba?

Selepas 30 minit tanpa reply...

Japa
F**k you! I repeat, f**k you, Hadi! Macam manalah aku boleh tak perasan yang kau nilah si bangsat yang tackle awek aku, kan? F**k you!