Pretence And Pattern

In the living room, Mom was sitting on a couch with both of her legs on the table. Her hands were busy knitting when Dad entered the house with his eyes furiously looking for something.

DAD
Where the heck is my wallet??

MOM
Where did you put it?

DAD
I put it here on this table, exactly half an hour ago!

MOM
You can’t find it there?

DAD
Yeah, what a great question! If I could find it, then I wouldn’t bother shouting at you and asking, “where the heck is my wallet??”, would I?

MOM
Well, that’s not entirely true. You always shout at people, asking things as if you didn’t know anything about them earlier. You’re exactly like..(thinking) a typical boss of an organization who got confused, then made a bad decision, and then he asked his subordinates, “Now tell me people, how could this happen??”. You know, drama and pretence.

DAD
I cannot believe that I actually allowed you to finish your sentences and did nothing.

MOM
That’s your forte. ‘Did nothing’.

DAD
Other than that meaningless sass, is there anything else that you can say regarding my missing wallet? Someone must have taken it! Come on!

MOM
Even the simplest thing you cannot do. (stopped knitting) Now don’t you dare call yourself the leader of this family. Boy!! Bring your ass in here!!
Boy immediately rushed into the house. He almost fell.

BOY
Yes mom? (Breathing heavily)

MOM
Tell me you didn’t take your dad’s wallet. (continued knitting)

BOY
I didn’t take my dad’s wallet.

DAD
Are you telling the truth or you just repeating her words?

BOY
I’m...repeating her words. The truth is ‘I don’t know’.

DAD
God, you’re a mug. Are you sure you’re telling me the truth? Because I swear I put my wallet here, on this ugly table..(he looked at his wife, disgusted, and immediately pushed her legs off the table) put your legs down lady, 30 minutes ago, and now I can’t find it!

BOY
Yeah.

DAD
(paused) Where were you from, just now?

BOY
Outside, the porch.

DAD
Oh yeah? What were you doing out there?

BOY
Dad, I was helping you cleaning the porch. You were there. You did the digging, and I shined the floor.

MOM
Drama and pretence. (sighed)

DAD
You..you shined the floor. Of course, a mug like you wouldn’t know anything other than shining the floor!!

MOM
Now hold on there. You don’t simply belittle your son. He’s the second you after all.

DAD
Yeah right.

MOM
You know when I said about you being a ‘typical boss’ with those ‘drama and pretence’, I expected you to resent them. But now you’re acting exactly the way I described you.

DAD
Can you just shut up? (thinking) Where’s Girl?

MOM
How the heck should I know? Maybe she’s helping you doing your chores out there. You’re good at asking people for help and forgetting them afterwards.

DAD
I didn’t ask her. I needed someone diligent. She’s not. She’s woman.

BOY
I think I can help you get her.

DAD
Great. At least you're worth something.

BOY
(he took a deep breath, and then...) GIRL!!!!!!!!! DAD WANTS YOU HERE...NOW!!!!!!

DAD
Is...(clearing his throat) is that what you meant by, “I think I can help you get her”...?

BOY
Yeah. Why?

MOM
I change my mind. He’s not the second you. He IS you.

GIRL
What? (came out of her room, irritated)

DAD
Girl, did you take my wallet? I put it here a while ago.

GIRL
Why would I want to take your wallet? It’s always empty.

BOY
She sounds like mom.

DAD
Yeah, I notice that. Well Girl, are you sure? Because it seems that everybody in this house doesn’t know where the hell my wallet has been!!

GIRL
Yeah! I was in my room the whole day!

DAD
Then my wallet must have a leg!

BOY
Um...it’s two...two legs. One leg would be a problem.

DAD
Shut up!

MOM
Are you sure you put your wallet on this table?

DAD
I was looking for an answer from you people, but until now, the only thing that I have been hearing from you is “Are you sure?”. Can’t you produce something else??

MOM
(thinking) Wait a minute. Wait a minute... (stood up)

DAD
Finally! You finally decide to remember something!

MOM
I’m SURE you used the phrase “Are you sure?” more than we did. Like three times or something.

DAD
God!

BOY
Dad’s good at repeating the same thing again and again.

GIRL
Yeah! Thank God he’s not a playwright.

DAD
God! God! God! (annoyed) All you all out of your mind??

MOM
You really need to ask that question to yourself.

DAD
Shut up!

MOM
I’m just saying.

DAD
I’m not going to repeat myself. Shut up!

GIRL
So, do I need to be here, and help you guys investigate this...crime scene?

MOM
I guess so. The court has not been adjourned.

GIRL
Oh come on, mom. I was on the phone. Please..(begging)

MOM
I’m not the corrupt one. He is.

DAD
You wait here until I've settled this. (started moving around and thinking)

GIRL
Then what else are you waiting for? Just dial the number, give it a missed call.

BOY
Missed call..? What are you talking about??

GIRL
The pho...(paused) oh, sorry. I confused it with my own situation.

DAD
Wait, Boy, did you just say ‘missed call’?

BOY
Um..yeah. Actually she did. I was just...

DAD
Owh. (realized something)

BOY
...repeating what she said.

MOM
“Owh.”? What now? You just realized that you were actually on the phone, trying to call your friend while ‘almost-putting’ your wallet on the table, but he didn’t answer, which means you gave him a missed call, and then you tried calling him again, with your wallet was still in your hand, walking towards the cabinet and waiting for him to pick up, and accidentally putting your wallet there? Is that what you meant by, “Owh.”?

DAD
........ (speechless)

MOM
Boy, check the cabinet!
Boy ran towards the cabinet and started searching for the wallet. He checked the books and the spaces between them. Finally...

BOY
I found it! Mom, it’s here! Dad, it’s here! It’s here! (excitedly)

GIRL
You don’t have to be that excited. I was on the phone! (running back into her room)

MOM
And I was happily knitting. (sat down and continued knitting)
Boy returned the wallet to Dad and went out afterwards.

DAD
How did you know that’s what I did?

MOM
Because I have been in this ‘organization’ for years, and I can already see your pattern. Like I said, you’re typical. People like you don’t change. And people like me, I just don’t understand, how come the ones who see the pattern always got ‘sacked’?

DAD
Yeah, yeah. I get your point. I’ll try to change my pattern, does that make you happy?

MOM
Ask me again a minute later.

DAD
Whatever. I’m going out. (headed towards the door and accidentally hit the shovel) Damn!! Who put this shovel on the floor???

MOM
No, I’m not happy! Thank you for asking!

THE END