Edisi Khas Bahasa Melayu 3: Unable To Speak (Tidak Terluah Dengan Kata-kata)

BUJI sedang duduk di atas katilnya termenung. Pintu biliknya dibiarkan terbuka. Beberapa saat kemudian, SOFI, kawan baiknya masuk. Sambil berdiri di hadapan katil, dia bertanya kepada kawan baiknya yang sedang termenung jauh itu.

SOFI
Apa masalah kau ni, Buji?

BUJI
Ha, Sofi, bila kau sampai?

SOFI
Lebih kurang...(melihat jam tangan) 32 minit dan 41 saat yang lepas.

BUJI
Banyaklah kau 32 minit 41 saat. Aku nampak kau masuk bilik tadi.

SOFI
Dah tu, buat apa tanya lagi? Apa ek masalah kau ni? Menung memanjang.

BUJI
Apa masalah aku, eh? Hm..(tarik nafas) apa pendapat kau tentang English essay aku?

SOFI
English essay kau? Okay je.

BUJI
Just okay je?

SOFI
Baguslah maknanya..dah teacher pun asyik puji karangan kau, takkan tak bagus? The content is always fresh...the grammar is good...hardly spelling errors..apa lagi?

BUJI
So maknanya karangan aku...

RUBINA
Buji! Baju dalam mesin basuh tu dah habis cuci ke belum?! Aku nak pakai mesin basuh ni! (menyampuk secara tiba-tiba di hadapan pintu bilik)

BUJI
Dah..

RUBINA
Dah tu, tak reti nak keluarkan??

BUJI
Ala, tak boleh tolong letakkan dalam bakul ke? Takkan tu pun susah?

RUBINA
Banyak cantik! Apa kau ingat aku ni orang gaji kau??

BUJI
Benda kecik je pun, damn it! Tu pun nak berkira?!

RUBINA
Ah, lantak lah kau! Aku campak je baju kau keluar! (bergerak keluar)

BUJI
Yeah, just do it, bitch! I’d like to see you do it, you sickening pathetic whore! Your existence is a mistake! Mom and dad didn’t really want you! They didn’t plan for you!

SOFI
Whoa..easy dude. She’s your sister.

BUJI
Ah, dia tu tak habis-habis menyusahkan orang! Sakit hati betul!

SOFI
(tukar topik) So..kenapa kau panggil aku eh?

BUJI
Pasal English aku lah.

SOFI
Kenapa dengan English kau?

BUJI
Tengok la pulak aku cakap English macam mana..terhegeh-hegeh..merangkak. Tak macam time tulis essay.

SOFI
Dude, I just heard you speaking English like...seconds ago. And that was good.

BUJI
Bila part mencarut memang aku fluent. Tapi bila sampai part normal conversations, aku gagap.

SOFI
Macam tu pulak? Habis, kau nak aku buat apa?

BUJI
Apa kata kau duduk? Meh sini duduk sebelah aku.

SOFI
Err..no thanks..I don’t like the idea sitting on a bed with another guy...alone.

BUJI
Bangang kau ni..otak kotor. Aku straight lah sengal.

SOFI
Hehe, aku duduk atas lantai, okay? (duduk bersila atas lantai sambil mencapai Akhbar Harian Metro)

BUJI
Macam mana kau boleh fluent English eh? Bagi tips sikit.

SOFI
Tips apa...selalu cakap dalam English sudah..tu je cara nak fluent.

BUJI
Aduh..every time aku tanya tips nak fluent English, mesti semua jawab “always speak in English”. Tak ada cara lain ke?

SOFI
Dah kata nak petah bercakap, kena lah selalu bercakap.

BUJI
Masalahnya dekat rumah ni mana ada orang yang reti English melainkan aku. Mak bapak aku tak reti English. Dua-dua pure Malay.

SOFI
Kakak ‘kesayangan’ kau tu?

BUJI
Rubina?? Dia tu lagi bangang. Sepatah haram tak tahu. Disturb the water..disturb the water..

SOFI
Apa tu?

BUJI
Kacau air.

SOFI
Hah?

BUJI
Ala, kacau air. Masukkan gula, lepas tu kacau sampai sebati. ‘Kacau’. (sambil tangan menggayakan)

SOFI
Owh..!! Haha, bapak lawak!

BUJI
Tu la pasal. Tu pun dia belajar dari member dia. Sama-sama bangang.

SOFI
Tak baik kau cakap kakak kau macam tu, dude.

BUJI
Ah, dia selalu menyusahkan aku. I hate her. Okay, back to the topic. Ha, tak ada cara lain ke?

SOFI
Seriously, dude. That’s what I know. If you want to be fluent in a language, you speak the language. Trial and error.

BUJI
Leceh lah...

SOFI
Oh come on..you can do it..you’re already good in English, except for the oral part. Kacang je bagi kau.

RUBINA
Wei, bodoh! Yang kau habiskan sabun basuh, apa hal?? (muncul mengejut di hadapan pintu bilik, sekali lagi)

BUJI
Bodoh, dah memang tu lumrah alam, nak buat macam mana?? Yang hidup akan mati, yang ada akan jadi tak ada! Yang mula akan habis!

RUBINA
Kau jangan nak loya buruk dengan aku, eh! Habis aku nak basuh baju dengan apa? Bulu ketiak kau?

BUJI
Kalau bulu ketiak boleh buat basuh baju, tak ada orang jual sabun basuh, kak oi! Otak ada, pakai ar!

RUBINA
Banyak cantik! Aku lah yang kena beli, kan? Kau sedap-sedap bedal sampai habis, aku pulak yang terhegeh-hegeh beli??

BUJI
So what? Can you do me a fovour? Just move your freaking ass and get lost! I don’t give a shit about you!

RUBINA
Kau jangan nak speaking dengan aku, eh!

BUJI
Speaking speaking speaking speaking speaking speaking speaking!

RUBINA
Eeee..budak ni..!!

SOFI
Ha, kak Rubi, nanti balik saya belikan sabun basuh ye?

BUJI
Right, nanti kejap lagi aku beli lah. Bising betul!

RUBINA
Aku nak pakai sekarang lah, bodoh! (keluar)

SOFI
Err..hehehe..hehe.

BUJI
Did you see that? Did you see how annoying and irritating she was??

SOFI
A bit.

BUJI
Spoil mood aku je. Where did we stop? Ah, oral English. Aku bukan tak reti English langsung, betul apa yang kau cakap tu. Masalahnya, aku tak boleh spontan. Kena susun dulu ayat, terkebil-kebil mata, baru boleh cakap.

SOFI
Then you start with that, lah.

BUJI
Segan ar..teacher siap puji essay aku depan kelas..bukan sekali dua..banyak kali. Tiba-tiba sampai part speaking, terkebil-kebil. Malu!

SOFI
Malu tu lah yang susahkan kau. Nak belajar bercakap, kita tak boleh malu buat salah. Dari situ kita improve. (berfikir sejenak) Okay, macam ni lah. Bila kau mencarut dalam kemarahan, kau boleh speaking kan?

BUJI
Begitulah hakikatnya. Eceh, hakikat.

SOFI
(Berdiri, kemudian berjalan ke arah BUJI, lalu menendang kaki kanannya dengan sekuat hati)

BUJI
Arrrghhh..!!(mengerang kesakitan, berguling di atas katil sambil memegang kaki kanannya) Dam....urgh..! Damn it! Shit! What the fu...what..arghhhh..!!!! What the hell is wrong with you, dude??! Are you out of your freaking mind..??! You bastard!!Damn it! Damn it!(mengusap kaki)

SOFI
Does it hurt?

BUJI
It fu...it freaking hurts, you son of a bitch...!! It hurts!!

SOFI
Hey, if you want to say the ‘F’ word, just say it, okay? Don’t hold back.

BUJI
What are you, dumbass? I’m trying not to curse too much, damn it!

SOFI
That’s the idea! That’s the idea!

BUJI
What idea? Kicking someone’s leg and asking him not to curse?

SOFI
Bukan! You! You curse, but don’t curse. That’s it.

BUJI
You curse but don’t curse, what the hell are you talking about?

SOFI
Kau perasan tak? Kau tengah speaking sekarang ni!

BUJI
Speaking wha..? (berhenti sejenak) Yeah, I was...I am speaking English.

SOFI
Right? You’re speaking English , right? You see that? You see that?

BUJI
Yeah, yeah, I see it. But I told you it’s normal. Bila mencarut aku cakap dalam English. What’s your point, dude?

SOFI
Okay, let’s start again. Kau memang dah proficient in English, except for oral English. Right?

BUJI
Yeah.

SOFI
You can write in English, and you are grammatically proficient. But. But, when it comes to speaking in a normal conversation, you falter. Kau ragu-ragu, kau gagap, kau gelabah. Tapi bila kau mencarut, kau speak English, like, fluently. Maksudnya, kau sebenarnya boleh bercakap dalam English, but, kau terlalu self-conscious. Kau takut buat silap. Sebab kau dah bagus dalam grammar, jadi kau nampak every little mistake you make while producing a sentence, walau pun tak lah begitu ketara or menjejaskan maksud ayat kau, but you’re aware of it. Jadi kau takut. Kau segan. Kau malu kalau-kalau orang lain perasan mistakes yang kau buat tu.

BUJI
Go on.

SOFI
Self-consciousness kau dalam kes ni membataskan kau punya ability to produce sentences in a very short time, or in short, spontaneously. Tapi bila kau mengamuk, semua perkataan tak bagus dalam English kau boleh produce! Ha, sambung.

BUJI
Maksud kau, sebab aku terlalu takut grammar aku salah, aku jadi gagap. Tapi...

SOFI
(sambung) ...bila kau marah, kau dah tak kisah dah grammar kau betul ke salah. Self-consciousness kau hilang. Kau just nak luahkan perasaan kau. Kau bedal je. But, because of your level of proficiency in English grammar is good, kau jadi fluent time kau tengah seronok mencarut tu. Faham? The only thing that stops you from speaking English fluently, is your self-consciousness. That’s all. Dari segi grammar, you’re already good.

BUJI
I see. Now everything is making sense!

SOFI
Okay, let’s try it again.

BUJI
Try it again, what?

SOFI
I’ll hit you again, and all you gotta do is release your anger without cursing.

BUJI
Hahaha, no way. Kau nak tendang aku lagi sekali? No no no..(menggeleng kepala)

SOFI
Eh, kalau aku plan nak tendang kau lagi sekali, mesti kau dah ready awal-awal. So kau punya anger tak original la pulak.

BUJI
Exactly.

SOFI
That’s why this time I’m gonna punch you right on the face! (terus menumbuk BUJI)

BUJI
(jatuh terbaring ke atas katil) Adoi...sakitlah bodoh.........!! (memegang muka dalam kesakitan) Kau nak mampus...?? Kau nak mampus, SOFI?? Sakitlah, babi!!

SOFI
Ala, kenapa kau tak speaking??

BUJI
Suka hati aku lah nak speaking ke tak..!!

RUBINA
Hoi..!!! Yang kau terjerit-jerit ni kenapa?? Nak mampus?? Memekak betul lah!! (sambil mencekak pinggang di hadapan pintu)

BUJI
Kau jangan sibuk lah!!

RUBINA
Dah kalau kau asik terjerit kat dalam rumah ni, mana aku tak sibuk??

SOFI
Kami berdua tengah praktis belajar English, kak Rubi.

RUBINA
Lagi sekali aku dengar kau terjerit-jerit macam orang gila, aku terajang kau!! Umur dah 20 tahun, tapi otak macam budak tadika! Terjerit sana sini, tergolek sana sini. Terencat agaknya. (keluar samibil menutup pintu bilik dengan sekuat hati)

BUJI
Meluat betul aku dengan betina tu!

SOFI
So macam ni lah kehidupan kau seharian eh? Bertekak dengan kak Rubi.

BUJI
Aku pun tak ada idea nak buat macam mana. Dia tu memang annoying. Especially bila kau datang. Mesti mengamuk, kata aku buat bising lah, bercakap mengarut macam orang gila lah. Entah apa-apa entah.

SOFI
Dia risau pasal kau tu.

BUJI
Tak ada maknanya. Tapi ni lah yang buat aku tension. Sejak kau tak ada, aku belajar English sendiri. Tak ada sorang pun datang tolong. Selalu kau je yang tolong. (mengeluh)

SOFI
Sorry, dude.

BUJI
Kau pun satu. Yang pergi mati awal-awal buat apa? Tinggal aku sengsorang kat sini. Tak ada member nak speaking English with. Nak harapkan family aku, tak payah lah..tertekan aku. Macam mana nak improve oral English kalau tak ada geng nak bercakap? Kau tahu tak dah berapa lama kau mati?

SOFI
Aku tak ingat.

BUJI
Dah tiga tahun.

THE END

What’s With The ‘Bro’ Code?

I have been listening to Hitz.fm a lot lately. Well, when you have to travel about 2 hours a day like, every day, there’s nothing more normal than listening to the radio, right?

So, there was this one topic called ‘The ‘Bro’ Code’. Jay Jay and Ean talked about it and then the listeners got to share some of their opinions regarding the matter. After ten minutes and a few calls later, I heard this man saying “I know a guy who broke the code”. Then the deejays asked about what happened. He said, “I heard from a friend that one of our friends is dating one of our friends’ sister.”

Okay, let me make this clear. I don’t have a sister. So maybe there are some parts of being a brother that slip far away from my points of view. Forgive me, but what’s wrong with a dude dating another dude’s sister?

If I have a sister and one of my buddies happens to fall in love with her, at the same time that sister of mine shares the same feeling for him and I know that guy is okay (if not great), I’d definite say, “Go ahead.” I don’t think I will ever interfere unless I know that friend of mine is a monster, drug addict or sadistic, jobless and lunatic predator.

But from the conversations I heard on the radio, most of them (the boys) agreed with the a-bro-should-never-date-another-bro’s-sister rule. Regardless whether or not that guy has been proven reliable. Why is that?

I understand that as a good brother you want to be as protective as possible. But which one do you really prefer your sister to date, a great and honest friend or a strange-looking stranger? And most importantly, do you have the strength to break your sister’s heart and make her cry just because of that rule? I believe the ‘bro’ code is not the factor you need to consider before saying yes or no. I think it is more important to know if that guy is able to make your sister smile.

And what if YOU are the one who’s in that I-am-in-love-with-my-bro’s-sister shoe?

p/s: Girls, if I was your brother, would you allow your friend to date me? :D