Aliens And Football

After failing in their attempts to conquer planet Earth two times in a row (please refer to here and here), the aliens finally realized that they must not rush. They should wait and be prepared for a lot of things. The humans are so unpredictable and every data they have on them cannot be trusted. So the aliens stayed low for a while and practiced.

Long have they searched for a loophole and long have they tried to win, yet victory hasn't been very good at knocking on their door. But they have found another way to strike. They have found... football.

What you're about to hear is the direct translation of their conversations, recorded during practice. On 15th January 2011, at 3.33 p.m., somewhere around Earth, they had this:

Alien Five:
"You gotta know four basic things! Pass, hold, shoot! Pass, hold, shoot!"

Alien Two:
"But that's only three, boss."

Alien Five:
"The fourth is shut-the-hell-up-and-just-do-what-I-said! Now you do these things and keep doing it until... wait, where's Number One?"

Alien One:
"Here! I'm here! Wait up!" (rushing towards the group in a 'suit')

Alien Three:
"What the hell are you wearing?"

Alien One:
"Oh, this is American Football suit. I bought it yesterday as soon as I heard we were gonna start practicing football."

Alien Five:
"I said 'football', not American f**king Football!"

Alien One:
"It's not the same?"

Alien Five:
"No. Football uses the foot, left or right, to play with the ball. American Football does not."

Alien One:
But I checked and double-checked it! They were all calling this 'football'! The one you were talking about, that foot thingie, it's called 'soccer'!"

Alien Four:
"Oh, I get it. He went to the United States Of America."

Alien Five:
"The United Sta...why, why on Earth did you go to the United States Of America?"

Alien One:
"Aren't we going to strike from that country?"

Alien Five:
"Who said that?"

Alien One:
"The movies! 'Independence Day', 'Signs', 'Skyline', 'Transformers', 'Cloverfield', 'The Day The Earth Stood Still', 'Race To Witch Mountain', 'War Of The Worlds' and...what else? Well, all those alien-related movies showed that aliens like us would start with the United States first! Right?"

Alien Two:
"No they did not! What about 'Koi...Mil Gaya' and 'Senario XX'?"

Alien Five:
"Okay, cut it! I don't care how you got this stupid invade-U.S.A-first idea, and we're not gonna strike that country anyway, but take away this clown suit! Get it off my face! It's not football! It even hardly uses the foot!"

Alien One:
"Then why call it American 'football' if it hardly uses the foot? Ceh!" (removing the suit)

Alien Three:
"So boss, if we're not gonna attack the United States, which country do you have in mind?"

Alien Five:
"The small ones. Like Nepal, Singapore, and Malaysia. Something like that."

Alien Three:
"But boss, the reason why we're practicing this sports is because...we want to blend in with them, right? Because this is the number one sports on their planet. We practice, become good at it, and then join their football team. Blend in. In disguise. But then, why do you want to invade those small countries? They are not even dominant in football games. Why not England, Brasil, Argentina and Spain?"

Alien Five:
"Do you really think we stand a chance to join their first team if we strike England, Brasil, Argentina, and Spain? Football is a human sports. It's not meant for aliens like us! We can never play as good as them! That's why I choose those small countries. They are weaker footballers, so we might be able to outperform them. See? I'm a genius!"

Alien Four:
"You're a genius, boss."

Alien Five:
"That's what I just said."

Alien Three:
"But boss, if Lionel Messi can do it, so can we!"

Alien Five:
"Who's Lionel Messi?"

Alien Three:
"He's like us. They said he's from another planet."

Alien Five:
"Hmm..." (thinking)

Alien Two:
"Boss, you haven't told us about the fourth move. Pass, hold, shoot and what else?"

Alien Four:
"I don't think he really knows what he's teaching..." (whispering to Alien Two)

Alien Five:
"Shut up!"

Alien One:
"Umm...someone...can someone help me? I can't take this helmet off!"

To be continued...